The Art of Blackmail
by Iffy Jr
Summary: Multiple pairing post-season 3a. "The darkness doesn't come, so what do the Beacon Hills Renegades (per Stiles' christening) decide to do? Drink a lot, that's what. Stiles especially. Also Isaac. And Jackson too thanks to Lydia and Aiden. Basically all of the guys drink a lot and all of the girls like to stay sober so they can take pictures and blackmail them later." COMPLETE.
1. Chapter 1

**Notes**: So that story I've got that was inspired by a bunch of quotes (Teach Me How to Breathe) was really popular, but it was also had a pretty sad aura, so I decided that I'm going to do another one but make THIS one a humor fic through and through :) What I do is I underline all of the stolen quotes and then, at the end of each chapter, I reference all of them.  
Also there's like every pairing under the sun because they're drunk a lot sorry not sorry. And strict couples cheat on each other all the time but everyone is totally okay with it? This is a humor fic so sue me. Oh and it's in a whole bunch of POV's too, but I'll make sure it's made clear whose it is! "**OoOoOoO**" means a change in POV and "**XxX**" is just a change _within_ that POV.  
AAAND there are some people still alive that…probably shouldn't be but hey just listen:  
**1.** _Derek_: I know he doesn't die but he decides to stay for reasons but Cora doesn't want to stay so she still leaves so she's not around but they get phone calls and text messages and stuff (I know Derek would never leave his sister but for the sake of the fic just go with it)  
**2.** _Erica_: she didn't attack Kali and just ended up running around with Boyd and Cora once she was free  
**3.** _Boyd_: Derek just didn't kill any of his betas okay  
**4.** _Matt_: let's just say that Gerard was controlling him the entire time and Peter saved the kid since he was there to watch the whole thing (he never would I know but shh) so now he's always following him and Derek around because he's got no other friends and he's getting over his Allison stalker crush yay; also he's actually kind of shy and later Derek rescues him from one of the alphas so he's always pledging his life to new people b/c he's a pussy and I just want to write him like that ok  
**5.** _Jackson_: I know he was never permanently dead but I'm just saying that he came back to Beacon Hills for their senior year (which is when this takes place)  
**6.** _Peter_: he's not permanently dead either but I really love sassy!Peter so let's just pretend that he's not actually evil and he just killed Jennifer for the good of the pack yeah  
Okay I think that's it! Enjoy :)

* * *

**Disclaimer**: You know the drill!

**Summary**: Multiple pairing post-season 3a. "The darkness doesn't come, so what do the Beacon Hills Renegades (per Stiles' christening) decide to do? Drink a lot, that's what. Stiles especially. Also Isaac. And Jackson too thanks to Lydia and Aiden. Basically all of the guys drink a _lot_ and all of the girls like to stay sober so they can take pictures and blackmail them later." COMPLETE.

**Pairings** (they get crazy so have fun):  
(_Main_) Stiles/Erica, Jackson/Erica  
(_Canon stuff_) Scott/Allison, Ethan/Danny, Aiden/Lydia  
(_To be real by the end_) Matt/Isaac, Boyd/Peter  
(_Drunk pairings_) Erica/Lydia, basically every guy pairing but for Aiden/Ehtan and Boyd/Peter  
(_Epic platonic couples_) Erica/Lydia/Allison, Jackson/Stiles

**Rating**: Mature/Explicit  
**Additional tags/warnings**: post-season 3a; strong language; multiple pairings; humor, romance; quote inspired; alcohol EVERYWHERE, sometimes weed, sometimes cigarettes/cigars, good!Peter, sassy!Peter, alive!Erica/Boyd/Matt; m/m, m/f, and f/f pairings; sexual content (only written scenes for a straight pairing)

PS when I went through to edit this I was tired as balls b/c I've been cleaning my house all day so I'm asking in advance for you to forgive any mistakes. Just hit me up if you find any really bad/confusing ones!

* * *

"_Love is a wonderful thing, my dear,  
but it leaves you wide open for blackmail."  
_―Lost in a Good Book by Jasper Fforde—

**1: In Which Couples Are Still Officially Canon**

_ERICA  
Friday Night…_

The darkness doesn't come, so what do the Beacon Hills Renegades (per Stiles' christening) decide to do? Drink a lot, that's what. Stiles especially. Also Isaac. And Jackson too thanks to Lydia and Aiden. Basically all of the guys drink a _lot_ and all of the girls like to stay sober so they can take pictures and blackmail them later.

Erica hums, sipping from her Pepsi. She loves her friends. She loves how Stiles always has access to alcohol because he knows how to break into the police station, how Jackson is super rich and can just buy it from certain people, how Lydia has epic flirting skills and can get it free, how Danny also has epic flirting skills and can get it free, how Allison can _scare_ people into giving it to her, how Isaac is so cute and innocent looking (even though he's totally not) that he can get anything he wants without even asking for it, and how Derek and Peter are old enough to buy it like good, law abiding citizens.

So yeah, she loves her friends.

Stiles is passed out in her lap, Isaac is curled up at her side and having a heavy make-out session with her neck, Scott is over Stiles' legs with his arms wrapped around one of them, Jackson is seated _behind_ Erica (he's been taking refuge in basically everybody since Lydia didn't take him back once he came back for their senior year), and Allison is taking a picture of the whole thing. Ethan is giving Danny a blowjob behind the couch, Aiden is giving Lydia a massage in the nearest bedroom, and all of Derek, Boyd, Peter, and Matt are all passing around a bottle of Jack, a joint, and one of Peter has his own glass of the wine. He's the only one who drinks the stuff, but as he likes to say, _"__Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.__"_

Being that there are only three of them girls, nights like these tend to be the norm. Stiles basically _never_ remembers anything that happens, Isaac only ever remembers things about Matt (Erica thinks he's crushing on them, but his heart doesn't spike when he denies it, so oh well) and Jackson, Derek remembers everything and hates himself, Peter remembers everything and loves himself, and the others can range from nothing to everything. The thing about werewolves is that they've got some superhuman powers, but they're still human. They're not automatically great at bowling, they don't have a sixth sense about feelings (Derek is living proof about that), and alcohol/drugs still effects them in the exact same way. Erica loves it.

"I'll put this in the album," Allison says when she lowers the camera, referring to the Book of Memories the three girls are making to break out to the boys at the end of the school year and of course send Cora a copy as she's traveling the world. They keep all of the _really_ good ones out of it for blackmail purposes, though.

"I want to wake up Stiles and get him to make out with Jackson," Erica says as she stands up, letting Stiles' head flop into Jackson's lap and Isaac's mouth to move to his neck. "We've got too many of Isaac doing Jackson sexual favors and now they're getting boring."

"Agreed," Allison says as she and Erica move to sit on the floor by the TV. They're actually in Derek's old place, which was fixed up by the state because of hazard problems or something. Derek was drunk at the time that they agreed to it, so of course Peter was sober. It's not super great, but at least most of them have a real home now. All of Erica, Derek, Peter, Isaac, Boyd, and the twins live here now. "Maybe we could get him _and_ Stiles to do something to him. We don't have any of those yet."

"Ooh, I like your thinking."

"My ideas _are_ pretty good. First you get your facts straight, then you can distort them as you please. Do you want me to braid your hair before we wake anyone?"

Erica smiles. "You are so good to me."

Allison shrugs, sitting down behind her. "I was going to kill you and Boyd to get to Derek; it's the least I can do."

Erica nods, pushing all over her hair behind her shoulders. Derek isn't an alpha anymore since he gave it up to save Cora, but Erica, Boyd, and Jackson still have the pack mentality to do everything he says. They also want to always listen to Scott, though, since he really _is_ an alpha—and a true alpha at that. He's sort of their leader now, except Peter is still annoying and Derek is still defiant.

When Erica's hair is all up in a blonde Katniss she sets to waking Stiles up. He's always so calm around her these days, which is nice. They get along a lot better now.

"Huh?" he mumbles, lifting his head up from Jackson's lap.

Erica grins. "Hey there, honey. Want a kiss?"

He grins. His eyes aren't even open. "Uh-huh."

Erica kisses him, slowly leading their faces over to Jackson's so she can subtly transfer them over. Jackson kisses Stiles back easily, gripping onto the front of his t-shirt and pulling him closer.

Allison giggles as she lifts the camera back up. "I think Isaac has a neck fetish," she says as it flashes in the dim living room light.

"I wouldn't doubt it," Erica says as she pulls Stiles back off of Jackson and lies him down to go back to bed. "Do you think—"

She cuts off at the sound of Lydia's moans.

Allison snorts. "Massage, right."

Erica smirks, moving up towards where her bedroom is (La's old room). "They never told us _where_ the massage was."

Allison snorts, going up the stairs after her. "Well, next time I'll ask them to be more specific."

Erica laughs, climbing into her bed. It's the biggest in the entire house, so on nights like these she and Allison just fall into it together for the fact that one) it's winter so it's freezing and two) Erica is in fact a werewolf and really likes to cuddle. "With photogenic proof, too. Who _knows_ what crazy things she makes Aiden do."

Allison gives a mock disgusted look as she crawls in beside her. "Let's not put those in the album for later memories."

Erica nods, fluffing the blankets over them. "You know, I like it when only us girls are sober."

"I also like how we're the only straight ones when we _are_ drunk. Well…" She gives Erica a grin that she can see in the darkness thanks to her werewolf eyes. "There was that _one_ time."

Erica flits a wrist. "I will never regret giving Lydia a drunken kiss. If you're going to kiss a girl, she's easily anyone's first pick. You've still got the picture hidden, right?"

Allison snorts. "Of course I do. I would never betray my Blackmail Buddies."

Erica laughs, fluffing her pillow up a bit. "Good to hear."

"I figured it would be. Sleep well, 'Rica."

"You too, Alli'. G'night."

"Goodnight."

**OoOoOoO**

_DANNY  
Saturday Morning…_

Danny stretches himself awake, poking his head out from under his covers. The last thing he remembers is being behind the couch in the living room, but he and Ethan usually manage to make it up to Ethan's bedroom. Ethan himself is sitting beside Danny in just his underwear, above the blankets, and with Danny's laptop.

"Good morning," Ethan says, bending down to kiss his forehead.

Danny smiles. "Did I talk in my sleep again?"

His fingers fly over the keys. "Not this time."

Danny realizes with a not-so-surprised start that his morning wood is a little more than simple blood-flow, and he also notices with a grin that Ethan is wearing the underwear with sheet ghosts all over them that Danny got him a couple months ago.

"Ugh," he says.

Ethan frowns. "What?"

"_Ugh_."

"What?" Ethan says again.

"How _scary_," Danny says.

Ethan raises an eyebrow. "What?"

"Your _undies_. Ugh! They _scare_ me. Take them _off_!"

Ethan realizes what he's doing with the sexiest smirk that Danny has ever seen in his entire life, and Danny grins. "Brush your teeth while I put this thing away."

Danny hops out of bed without protest. "Deal." He loves his boyfriend.

**OoOoOoO**

_ALLISON  
Monday Afternoon…_

Allison gives a little start as Matt plunks down beside her, cafeteria tray empty. "Hi," he says.

She blinks a bit. She and Matt have gotten over the whole "I was being forced to kill people" and "yeah so my computer has photo shopped pictures of us kissing" thing, but he still likes her, so sometimes she just feels uncomfortable if it's just them… "Hi," she says back.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Uh…sure."

"If we were to wake up in your bed, what are the three words you would say to me?"

Allison blinks at him a bit before giving him her best awkward smile. "Get out now."

He wrinkles his nose up. "Jackson's answer was _way_ better than yours."

Her entire body gives a sigh of relief. "Are you just asking everyone that?" she asks.

His eyes widen. "Oh my god, you thought… I am so sorry, yes, I'm asking everybody."

She lets out a huge sigh. "Thank god, because you _know_ that I'm in love with Scott."

He nods wholeheartedly. "Yeah, I do know. Anyway, one more question. Did you, uh…" He sighs. "Did I by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?"

Allison suppresses a giggle, but she still grins a little. "You mean _faeutihaers_?"

Matt lets out another sigh, this one bigger. "I hate myself."

She pats him on the back. "It's okay; gave me a laugh. What did Jackson say, anyway?"

Matt chuckles. "Too much dick."

Allison snorts. "As if he hasn't had sex with Aiden _and_ Derek's drunk asses before."

He hums. "I just can't believe Derek is a bottom, drunk or otherwise."

"He's probably sick of the girls he's with and hopes he can find someone as dominating as Lydia in higher hopes that they won't betray him."

Matt nods, picking his cafeteria tray back up. "Probably. Anyway, I gotta get food." He disappears.

Allison instantly pulls her phone out to send a text to Jackson: **What r the 3 words u said to Matt's question?**

Jackson's reply comes shortly after: **I have no idea what you're talking about.**

Allison whips her head with one of those "you little shit" glares over to where Matt is currently staring at her, to which _he_ replies by giving a loud, uneasy laugh and running out of the cafeteria altogether.

"We'll get him back later," Erica says, sitting down beside her with a tray of food. "I know for a fact that he won't want the text he sent _me_ last night to get out, so we can add that to our list."

"Good," Allison mutters. "He's—"

Lydia suddenly sits down between Allison and Erica mid-word, so she cuts off to let her say whatever it is she needs to stay—except that she doesn't say anything.

"As I was saying," Allison says, leaning around her to look at Erica.

_That's_ when Lydia decides to speak: "I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed." She looks first at Erica before turning to Allison. "How was _your _night?"

Erica raises an eyebrow. "'We' as in you and Aiden?"

Lydia smirks before looking back at the blonde. "Boyd was there too, which is important since he's the one that got Aiden to break the bed."

Allison's eyes widen. "You, Aiden, and _Boyd_?"

"Was he drunk?" Erica asks.

Lydia shakes her head. "Only two beers, except…" She purses her lips. "Aiden had about six… Anyway!" She smiles brightly. "I got pictures of _course_."

"It's funny, actually," Allison says as she snatching up some gross cafeteria fries from Erica's tray. "If they all knew how much we had on each and every one of them they'd probably stop caring and just tell each other everything so they could stop worrying."

"There's always posting pictures on Facebook," Erica says with a shrug.

"Except that the Sheriff _and_ Melissa like to check up on us every now and again."

Lydia nods. "He texted me on Saturday night."

"About _what_?" Allison asks.

She gives a guilty look. "To be honest, I don't remember, but it was related to condoms."

Erica snorts. "The adults in our little group of friends are literally my favorite."

Allison raises her hand for a high-five. "Amen, sister."

All of the guys but for Matt start showing up after that, filling up the rest of the table. Stiles comes over last, plunking down between the twins and across from Scott.

"So," he says in greeting. "Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-forsting."

"Ooooh," Jackson says. "Get Funfetti."

Stiles gives him a dull look. "And to think I actually like you now."

"Speaking of which," he says, leaning closer from where he's sitting around Aiden. "We _are_ friends now, and when I drunkenly send you a picture of my left testicle I would appreciate a response."

Danny rolls his eyes. "He did that to me twice," he says to Stiles. "Just tell him 'Oh my god, that is a gorgeous man, and I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago' and he'll love you forever."

Jackson glares at him a little. "Traitor."

Danny shrugs. "It's what you get for never answer _my_ drunk testicle texts."

"Uh…"

Allison shares awkward looks with Erica, but Lydia looks like she's spacing out some more. "Did we miss something?" she asks all of their testosterone filled friends.

"Is Jackson talking about his testicles again?" Lydia asks, coming back to reality.

Boyd wrinkles his nose up. "Why is that normal?"

Erica leans towards Jackson, eyeing him darkly. "I expect one the next time you're wasted off your ass or we're not friends anymore."

Jackson huffs. "Fine."

"If it makes you feel any better," Stiles says to him, "it _did_ make me question my sexuality for a few seconds."

Jackson grins. "I wish I had a dollar for every time I was told that. I'd be even richer than I am now."

Scott purses his lips from where he's now sitting beside Allison. She love her boyfriend so much. He's perfect. "If _I_ had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life."

Allison blinks a couple of times. "Why do I love you again?"

He shrugs. "Because my tattoo is cool?"

"You're tattoo isn't cool," the entire table echoes.

Stiles smirks at Scott's frown. "Told you."

"Anyway," Isaac says, elbowing Scott lightly. "Am I coming over again tonight?"

"Uhhhh…" Scott gives an awkward smile. "As much as I enjoyed playing drunk, half-naked twister with you and Matt and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass."

"Aw, come on," his beta pouts. "It was fun."

Erica frowns at Lydia. "We don't have pictures of that yet," she whispers.

Lydia grins at her. "I do."

Erica grins in turn, though hers is…very evil. "I love you."

Lydia chuckles. "I know."

**OoOoOoO**

_DEREK  
Monday, Late Afternoon…_

Being that half of their group of friends all live with Derek, all of the guys usually end up at the Hale mansion after school. Sometimes the girls come too, but today is not one of those times.

Stiles frowns from where he's sprawled out on the floor, facing it at Peter. "How old _are_ you, anyway?"

Peter snorts from where he's beside Derek on the couch. "I'm so far over the hill I'm at the bottom of the other side."

Derek gives him a dull look. "You're thirty-seven."

"Well, it is old compared to all of us," Jackson says with a shrug from where he's also on the floor beside Stiles.

Stiles nods and says to Peter and Derek, "You do realize that you two are those creepy twenty year olds that prey on teenagers, right?"

Peter shrugs. "As far as everybody else knows I'm just the really cool dad that gets to hang out with his kids. Derek has no excuses."

Jackson scoffs. "Yeah, that would almost work except that your kid is also a creepy twenty year old that preys on teenagers."

"Oh shush."

Derek looks over at Peter. "I remember when it was just you as the creepy twenty year old… I also remember you being a lot bigger."

Peter nods. "To a ten year old I'm huge."

"You mean…you're not religious?" Scott suddenly asks Matt a lot louder than the voice he was using a second ago. "At _all_?"

Matt arches an eyebrow at the alpha. "Why would I be?"

"My parents were Baptist," Isaac says, "but I never really got into it with them. What are you, Scott? I mean, if you're so surprised by it."

Scott grins like they've all missed some joke. "I'm into Frisbeetarianism."

Everyone blinks at him. "What?" they all ask at once.

"It's the belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck."

Isaac and Stiles both burst into laughter, but everyone else shares over-exaggerated eye rolls and change the subject.

He doesn't know how much longer they're sitting there before Peter leans closer to him from where they're both sitting on the couch. "You look bored," he says to Derek.

"I am bored," Derek mutters. He also misses his sister, but she's going to college (she may have been seventeen, but as a senior, and now she's finished with high school and off into the big world).

"You should write a book," Boyd says from Peter's other side. Those two are always together, but Derek knows that their relationship is purely platonic even when they _are_ drunk.

Derek scoffs. "What would something I write even be _about_?"

"I got stuff," Stiles says from where he and Jackson are sprawled out on the floor. They've been hanging out a lot as well. Apparently Jackson is actually a huge nerd and finally decided to stop hiding it after Lydia refused to take him back. "You could name it _My Girlfriend, the Darach_."

Derek narrows his eyes. "That isn't funny."

Everyone else is laughing anyway.

"Are you kidding?" Aiden says. "That's hilarious."

"The back could have a big headline, too," Scott says, holding his hands up. "_Love…_" He swings them outwards. "_And virgin sacrifices._"

Derek gives an aggravated sigh. "It might be funny in another year, but to me it's really just making me want to—"

"_Haunted by the fire that killed his entire family_," Isaac starts up in a deep, authorative tone, "_the Alpha decided that he would never trust a woman again…until he meets, Jennifer. She's hot, smart and funny, and her vagina seems to have magical healing powers. So why not? Who cares if she sometimes turns into a terrifying druid who performs ritual sacrifices to punish those who tried to kill her? Sex is still great._"

Derek groans. "Oh my god, Isaac, you are not seriously still holding that against m—"

"And one of those quotes on the back about it, too," Jackson says. "_'Still a better love story than Twilight_,' signed _Everyone_."

Derek frowns. "Well, that's kind of funny, but—"

"Don't forget the '_Also by Derek Hale_' stuff," Ethan says. "Also in the 'Tragic Romance' trilogy, _Death Plays the Cello_ and _Hot Like Fire_."

Derek glares. "Okay, it's not funny again."

"_50 Shades of Failure_!" Danny says brightly.

And it doesn't stop there.

"Betrayed (Again)," from Boyd.

"Blue Eyes," from Jackson.

"Camaro Blues," from Aiden.

"Crazy Stupid Uncle," from Scott, and Peter gives a little "hey" afterwards.

"Gonna Rip Your Throat Out," from Stiles.

"Lost Sisters," Peter says, glaring at Scott still.

"Private Property!" Stiles says again.

"The Adventures of Scott McCall," Isaac throws in.

"The Bite is a Gift," Boyd says in the most sarcastic tone Derek has ever heard in his entire life. He likes Boyd usually; he's quite, but he knows how and when to pack a punch when he needs to.

And then Matt, who's been silent this entire time since he's basically pledged his entire life to Derek and Peter thanks to Peter, "To Kill a Kanima?"

Even Jackson laughs at that one, and he really hates Matt most of the time. "Right on, dude!" he says, giving him a high-five.

"Face it, Derek," Danny says. "You're the only one that doesn't find how much your life sucks hilarious."

Derek crosses his arms darkly. "Funny how that works."

"Lighten up, kid," Peter says, patting his back. "Your life's great now, so why complain?"

"Yeah, he's right," Scott says. "Remember when Stiles and I first saw you out in the forest on your 'private property'?"

"That most of us are currently living on," Aiden adds.

"_I_ remember," Stiles says. "He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death."

"I did not," Derek says. "And neither is this leather cheap."

"It's cheaper than I would have bought it for," Jackson says.

Derek rolls his eyes. "Shame on me for finding one on sale."

"I remember the first night you, me, Isaac, and Erica all slept in the abandoned warehouse," Boyd says. "I said that I wanted a calm night, not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody, and when I woke up you were doing pull-ups without your shirt on."

"He wasn't bloody, though," Isaac says. "One step at a time."

"Why do you always workout without a shirt on, anyway?" Danny says. "I mean, it's okay since you're sculpted like a god, but still."

"Well, yeah, I had to take off my shirt," Derek says, "because—"

"Because it's soaked in weakness," Jackson says. "I feel yuh, bro."

Derek rolls his eyes. "I don't even know why I try anymore."

"Me neither," Ethan says. "How do you even get through your life with only two emotions?"

Derek frowns, along with a couple of the others. "Huh?" he says.

He grins, but Aiden takes over: "Your two emotions are 'emotionless' and 'blind with rage'."

Derek gives the twins a dull look. "Also not funny."

Stiles is hiccupping with laughter.

"It's pretty funny," Scott says for him.

Derek hates his friends.

**OoOoOoO**

_SCOTT  
Monday Evening…_

Scott whistles to himself as he walks from Derek's place towards his own, pulling out his phone to text his girlfriend: **You still up?** Being that it's nearly midnight, she might not be. Scott never knows with her.

She replies almost instantly: **Yes, due to the fact that I've got homework for math and also a paper that's due before 9 AM.**

Scott frowns. He was hoping he could eat her out or something, but he doesn't want to interrupt her work. His reply is short: **:(**

Allison's reply is faster than the first one, which is crazy because it's way longer: **When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to response is saying that ur cunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities, not a fucking frowny face.**

Scott grins. **Sorry. I'm on my way.**

**Much better.**

He loves his girlfriend.

* * *

References: There are a couple websites that I used aaaall the time, and they're totally all tumblr blogs. Anything labled as "Atw" (the "tw" stands for "text website") is from an Avenger's text thing with the URL "textsfromthe-avengers". There's also a Teen Wolf one I'll label as "TWtw" with the URL "textsfromlastfullmoon". And then there's a bunch of other tumblr stuff that I don't have exact URL's from, but I'll just write "tumblr" and maybe you can figure out a better way to search it than I did so you can actually find it XD Anyway! There are **20** references from this chapter:

**1.** "Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy." Benjamin Franklin.

**2.** "Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please." Mark Twain.

**3.** "Ugh."  
"What?"  
"_Ugh_."  
"What?"  
"How _scary_."  
"What?"  
"Your _undies_. Ugh! They _scare_ me. Take them _off_!" Tumblr.

**4.** "If we were to wake up in your bed, what are the three words you would say to me?"  
Get out now." Atw. Said by Loki and Jane.

**5.** "Did I by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?"  
"You mean _faeutihaers_?" Atw. Said by Clint and Fury.

**6.** "I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was _your_ night?" TWtw. Said by Lydia.

**7.** "Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-forsting."  
"Ooooh, get Funfetti." Twtw. Said by Stiles and Jackson.

**8.** "We _are_ friends now, and when I drunkenly send you a picture of my left testicle I would appreciate a response." Atw. Said by Tony to Phil.

**9.** "Oh my god, that is a gorgeous man, and I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago." Atw. Said by Tony.

**10.** "If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life." Atw. Said by Steve.

**11.** "As much as I enjoyed playing drunk, half-naked twister with you and Matt and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass." Atw. Said by Loki.

**12.** "I'm so far over the hill I'm at the bottom of the other side." Fifle Goes West.

**13.** "I remember you being a lot bigger."  
"To a ten year old I'm huge." Hook.

**14.** "Frisbeetarianism. It's the belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck." George Carlin

**15.** "My Girlfriend, the Darach."  
"Love…And virgin sacrifices."  
"Haunted by the fire that killed his entire family, the Alpha decided that he would never trust a woman again…until he meets, Jennifer. She's hot, smart and funny, and her vagina seems to have magical healing powers. So why not? Who cares if she sometimes turns into a terrifying druid who performs ritual sacrifices to punish those who tried to kill her? Sex is still great."  
"'Still a better love story than Twilight,' signed Everyone."  
"Also by Derek Hale. Also in the 'Tragic Romance' trilogy, Death Plays the Cello and Hot Like Fire."  
"50 Shades of Failure!"  
"Betrayed (Again)."  
"Blue Eyes."  
"Camaro Blues."  
"Crazy Stupid Uncle."  
"Gonna Rip Your Throat Out."  
"Lost Sisters."  
"Private Property!"  
"The Adventures of Scott McCall."  
"The Bite is a Gift."  
"To Kill a Kanima." Tumblr. You can search the "book title" and it should come up somewhere!

**16.** "He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death." Twtw. About Derek.

**17.** "I want a calm night, not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody." Said by Boyd to Erica and Isaac.

**18.** "Well, yeah, I had to take off my shirt."  
"It's soaked in weakness." TWtw. Said by Derek.

**19.** "Your two emotions are 'emotionless' and 'blind with rage'." Twtw. Said about Derek.

**20.** "When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to response is saying that ur cunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities, not a fucking frowny face."  
"Sorry. I'm on my way." Atw. Said by Jane and Thor.


	2. Chapter 2

**2: In Which There's a Sea of Homosexuals**

_STILES  
Tuesday Afternoon…_

Jackson walks into Stiles' bedroom without knocking, which is something that Stiles is used to by now. Maybe he even likes it. Although Jackson is still a dick, so maybe not.

"A guy on the street just growled at me and said 'damnnnn'," Jackson says in greeting. "Sometimes it scares me how attractive I am." He frowns, averting his eyes to the ceiling. "Also, I may have just unintentionally masturbated to my own Facebook picture before coming over here."

Stiles wrinkles his nose up. "I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you."

Jackson nods, sitting down on the floor where Stiles is lying down. "I tell myself the same thing for you."

Stiles snorts, looking back at his computer. "No wonder we're still friends anyway."

He nods. "So, what's tonight's plan?"

Stiles shrugs. "Probably the usual. I found a bottle of mandarin vodka and it's currently chilling in my fridge." He's got a mini one hidden in his closet.

"Sweet," Jackson says. "Wanna do something before then?"

Stiles arches an eyebrow. "What do you have in mind?"

Jackson grins. "So there's this club…"

**OoOoOoO**

_LYDIA  
Early Evening…_

Lydia looks away from Erica on the couch (she's been smoking weed for the last hour since they've got so much with April twentieth nearing; Lydia is glad that her mom is out of town) as Allison walks in, munching on a sandwich. "I thought you were checking on the boys," she says. "Where'd you get that?"

Allison talks with her mouth full: "Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment. I _also_ didn't see Stiles or Jackson anywhere, but I checked their phones and found out that Jackson is taking Stiles out to a club somewhere."

Lydia wrinkles her nose up. She can't exactly picture Jackson and Stiles at a strip club _together_, but that's not what's gross… "You are literally the only girl I know who can touch anything in a house that's lived in by mostly boys."

Allison gives her a dull look. "You're judging _me_? Before I left I found you lying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face and you said you were having a spa day."

Lydia flits a wrist. "You cannot possibly fathom the immensity of the fuck I do not give about that."

Allison sits down beside her. "Even the time I had to come get you after you texted me with '_Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun_' when I told you I wouldn't be able to come over?"

Lydia huffs. "It's not my fault that vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with lately."

Erica suddenly decides to start talking at that point: "What if cement was really a rainbow color, they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers."

Allison blinks at her. "Are you high?" She looks at Lydia. "Is she high?"

Lydia smirks as she holds up the bag she stole from Stiles' "stolen from the station" stash. "Want to find out?"

**XxX**

_Late Evening…_

Lydia doesn't know what time it is. She doesn't even know what day it is. "What year is it?" she finds herself asking.

"Uhhhh…" Erica says, her pipe burnt out completely on the floor beside her. "1934?"

Lydia nods. "Okay, that's what I thought." She looks over at Allison and where she's going through the pictures on her camera. "Who are you looking at?"

"I dunno," Allison says, looking away as her fingers keep clicking.

Lydia leans over, realizing that she doesn't have a shirt on and not caring enough to find whatever shirt she was wearing. "Is that a picture of Peter after Boyd gave him a blowjob?"

"No, that's Peter after _Jackson_ gave him a blowjob. He and Boyd don't do anything even when they _are_ drunk."

Lydia looks closer. "Oh." She looks at Jackson in mid-mouth wipe, and then to Peter. "You know, Peter isn't _so_ bad."

"Nope," Erica says. "Not too shabby."

Allison nods. "You're right."

Lydia licks her lips. "I think he's like, forty, and maybe a little sociopathic, and I have never been so turned on."

Erica hums, reaching her hand up to rub along Lydia's knee. Apparently she's not wearing any _pants_ either. "I can fix that."

**OoOoOoO**

_STILES  
Late Evening…_

"Fuck!" Stiles yells, ducking out of the way of the bouncer trying to catch him and Jackson as they're sprinting out of the club. They've only been there for two hours, but _Jackson_ had to go and get into a fight.

As they skid out of the back door, huffing heavily, Jackson grumbles out loud, "I've _gotta_ stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movies."

"Yeah, probably smart," Stiles says, leaning against the alleyway wall.

Suddenly one of the bouncers bursts out of the door after them, and the next thing Stiles knows is that he's screaming a little as Jackson is swooping him into his arms and literally climbing up the wall of a short building beside them to get away from the guy—as if that doesn't give anything away.

"DAMMIT!" the bouncer yells, raising a fist.

Stiles punches Jackson in the shoulder when they get to the fire escape. "I'm not a damsel in distress," he snaps.

"Shut up," Jackson says, shoving at his shoulder. "Let's _not_ do that again," he says.

"Are you kidding?" Stiles says back. "I danced with the hottest girl in the entire club!"

Before Jackson can call him an idiot, the man yells at them after another groan. "You won't get away so easy!"

Stiles snorts as he and the blue-eyed wolf stand. "You think that was _easy_?!"

"Let's just go," Jackson says, elbowing him. "If your dad finds out about this we're screwed."

Stiles nods fervently, going after him so that they can maybe make it back home _without_ dying.

**OoOoOoO**

_ERICA  
Wednesday Afternoon…_

Erica groans, reaching over to where her phone is ringing with the original Batman theme song, which means that Stiles is calling her at… One in the afternoon? So much for school.

"Eh?" she says.

"Dude, where are you?" he says. "Lydia and Allison aren't answering their phones either."

Erica looks up to see that they're both passed out on the couch with Lydia completely naked and Allison curled up in a blanket up by her head. "Yeah, there's a reason for that."

"What did you guys _do_ last night, then?"

"We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. Lydia and I made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian."

She can hear Stiles choking in the background for about thirty seconds. "Pics or it didn't happen."

Erica smirks. "It didn't happen." She pulls the phone away from her face. "Mostly." She hangs up to the sounds of Stiles and some of the others protesting in the distance, and then she passes back out.

**XxX**

_Late Afternoon…_

Allison ended up going to school to get the homework for her, Erica, and Lydia, and now the three girls are at the Hale mansion with Derek and Scott. Derek is staring at the TV that's not on, Allison is cuddling with Scott, Erica is sitting at the floor of Derek's feet, and Lydia is sleeping somewhere upstairs. Peter is just walking in as well, lugging in a briefcase and wearing a grin as he sets it down in front of the couch.

"What's that?" Scott asks.

"Wanna see something cool?" Peter asks, still grinning.

"Cool to us or cool to you?" Allison asks.

"In which case we should be running," Erica adds.

Peter rolls his eyes. "Cool to _all_ of us." Unlatching it, the briefcase drops open to reveal…

Erica sits up straighter, staring at it. "Oh _wow_," she says, taking in all of the gold coins. "Where did you get _this_?"

Peter grins deeper, closing it. "Nowhere in particular."

Scott frowns. "You promised not to lie to us anymore, Peter."

"I'm not lying to you! Not telling you anything does not mean I'm lying."

"That's against the rules too," Derek says, crossing his arms darkly.

Peter laughs, picking up the briefcase. "You've heard of the golden rule, haven't you?" he says as he moves back towards the stairs. "Whoever's got the gold makes the rules?" He gives a raspy laugh as he disappears up them.

Scott sighs. "I suppose it doesn't matter," he says.

"Not until we hear about a robbery somewhere," Allison says.

"But until then," Derek says, standing. "I'm going to go work out."

Scott snorts. "When _aren't_ you working out?"

He shrugs. "My Tuesday schedules are usually pretty empty."

Allison rolls her eyes. "Come on, Erica. I'm hungry."

"DON'T EAT THE POP TARTS!" Peter screams from upstairs.

Erica grins. "What flavor do you think they are?"

Allison laughs, moving towards the kitchen. "Whatever they are, they're ours now. It's what he gets for breaking the rules."

They're about halfway through the box when there's suddenly a giant crash, and the two girls run into the living room to follow Scott running towards the stairs. Peter has been blown down them, grumbling to himself as he shoves the briefcase off of him.

"Oh my god, I'm sorry," Lydia says, running down the stairs towards him. "You're room is the nicest and I didn't think you'd try and wake me up!"

"Are you okay?" Scott asks as he helps him up.

"It was an accident," Lydia says, taking his other hand.

"No apologies necessary," he says, brushing himself off. "Just give me sex and Pop Tarts and we'll call it even."

Erica and Allison exchange dull looks as Lydia gives him a wrinkled nose look.

"You're worse than Jackson," Allison says.

Peter grins over at him. "And yet I still get laid more often than he does."

The girls just roll their eyes at him.

**XxX**

_Early Evening…._

When later comes up, all of the other guys have shown up as well. Everyone is still sober, sort of just bumping around with the TV going and some food being passed around.

Stiles is snorting from where the group of guys are, but Erica, Allison, and Lydia are just sitting around the kitchen table and can barely see them all in the living room. "That's not right," he says. "That's totally not right. Why the hell would that be right? Come on, I know how to prove how wrong you are."

Jackson gives an eye roll. "I know I should respect you but I find that difficult because you're a fucking idiot," he says, but he gets up after him anyway. Their friendship is weird. All of the other guys follow after them, leaving the girls without any view of them at all.

"Stiles is not near as smart as he thinks he is," Allison says.

Lydia nods. "People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do."

Allison raises her hand for a high-five. "Amen, sister."

Erica sighs, leaning her head down so that it can use her arms as a pillow.

Allison frowns, leaning down to her new level. "What's up?"

"Nothing," Erica mutters.

Lydia leans down as well. "We don't _have_ to have werewolf ears to know that's bullshit, honey."

She sighs again, eyes glowing yellow for a split second. "I just—"

"AHH!" There's a huge crash as someone hits the floor in the room over, and every single guy but Stiles gives an annoyed, "Stiiiiles!" before Stiles is apologizing profusely.

"I just don't like being the only single girl anymore," Erica continues. She and the other two girls are used to the boys doing crazy stuff, sober or otherwise. "It was fun for a while because I could flirt and make out with everyone, but now that I _have_ gotten to everyone at least once it's getting boring." She frowns. "Except for Stiles, but none of you two have gotten to him either, so I think that's fair."

"Aw, I'm sorry," Allison says, wrapping an arm around her shoulders. "We can work on that this weekend."

"Yeah," Lydia says. "I know a ton of guys that you could meet."

Erica huffs. "I would prefer someone who _isn't_ going to never call me back, but thanks."

Lydia rolls her eyes a little. "Yes, thank you, that is a brilliant boost to my self-esteem."

Allison cocks an eyebrow. "Don't you hit on those boys on purpose because you know you can just get with them once and never talk to them again?"

The redhead flits a wrist. "Details. Anyway." She leans back down to Erica. "I happen to know some nice boys, too."

"I don't really want to go to anymore clubs, though, either," Erica says, sitting up. "I just wish I would meet somebody doing everyday things, like grocery shopping or at school."

Lydia snorts. "I _wish_ that would happen to normal people. You've got to stop waiting for prince charming and get up and find him, though."

"Right," Allison says, rubbing her back a bit. "The poor idiot may be stuck in a tree or something."

At that there's another crash, and all of the boys groan again before yelling at Stiles to "just get out of here" and "don't come back" and "that thing was like, six years old!" And suddenly he gets pushed into the living room in sight of the girls, covered in twigs, dirt, and leaves.

"I fell into the tree that started growing through the floor after the fire," he says. "I'm gonna shower." He disappears to go up the stairs.

Erica's jaw is dropped and Lydia and Allison are staring at her. "No way," Allison says. "No _way_ is Stiles _your_ prince charming."

Erica's jaw closes to a little smirk. "Why not? I _did_ used to have a crush on him."

Lydia waves her hand around. "No, no, _no_. Stiles is a dork. You wouldn't last ten seconds!"

Erica is still grinning. "I don't know, I've heard quite a few moans from what we make that mouth do to people."

Allison is suddenly smiling. "You know, I think it's a _great_ idea!"

Lydia's jaw drops. "You are _not_ going along with this."

She giggles, leaning closer to Erica. "I want to help you, alright? I'll get Scott and Isaac in on it too, and then they can plant the idea into his head and watch it grow."

"_Or_ it all goes to hell and we have to find Erica a new prince charming anyway," Lydia says exasperatedly.

Allison frowns. "You really don't think it will work?"

"Nooo."

Erica shrugs. "That's fine, we'll just prove you wrong." She smirks again. "You can't tell me you've never noticed those big hands."

"He's got pretty broad shoulders, too," Allison says. "Not that I noticed. I mean, I didn't notice, but not like that. Scott and I talk about him someti—no, crap, that sounds weird too." She shakes her head. "It doesn't matter, he's really not as unattractive as all of us think he is."

"Right," Erica says. "He's just a complete ditz." She licks her lips. "I've also decided that I want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina."

Lydia groans. "I don't care _if_ you're lonely, I'm not helping."

**OoOoOoO**

_ALLISON  
Late Evening…_

Allison frowns, suddenly noticing something as she's looking around. All of the boys are wasted as usual, but this time Lydia and Erica are drunk as well… And everybody is making out with someone except for her and Scott, who's quietly singing verse twenty-seven of "99 Bottles of Beer on the wall". It's Lydia and Erica, Danny and Ethan, Isaac and Matt, Boyd and Aiden, Derek and Jackson, and finally Stiles and Peter.

She looks down at Scott. "I'm buried in a sea of homosexuals."

Scott grins. "But they're _your_ homosexuals."

Allison nods, looking back up. "And I love them all."

* * *

References: There are **19** of them from this chapter:

**1.** "A guy on the street just growled at me and said 'damnnnn'. Sometimes it scares me how attractive I am." Twtw. Said by Jackson.

**2.** "I may have just unintentionally masturbated to my own Facebook picture." Twtw. Said by Jackson.

**3.** "I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you." Twtw. Stiles to Scott.

4. "Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment." Atw. Said by Phil.

**5.** "Before I left I found you lying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face and you said you were having a spa day." TWtw. Said by Allison about Lydia.

**6.** "You cannot possibly fathom the immensity of the fuck I do not give." Alicexz on tumblr made some Sherlock BBC ecards! This one I said by Lestrade.

**7.** "Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun." Atw. Said by Bruce.

**8.** "Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with." Atw. Said by Natasha.

**9.** "What if cement was really a rainbow color, they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers."  
"Are you high?" Twtw. Said by Lydia and Allison.

**10.** "I think he's like, forty, and maybe a little sociopathic, and I have never been so turned on." Atw. Said by Natasha about Loki.

**11.** "You won't get away so easy!"  
"You think that was _easy_?!" Disney's Aladdin.

**12.** "We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian." Atw. Said by Pepper and Natasha to Tony.

**13.** "You've heard of the golden rule, haven't you? Whoever's got the gold makes the rules?" Disney's Aladdin.

**14.** "No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts and we'll call it even." Atw. Said by Thor.

**15.** "I know I should respect you but I find that difficult because you're a fucking idiot." That same Sherlock BBC ecard alicexz tumblr!

**16.** "People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do." Isaac Asimov.

**17.** "You've got to stop waiting for prince charming and get up and find him."  
"The poor idiot may be stuck in a tree or something." I couldn't find a legit source anywhere.

**18.** "I want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina." Atw. Said by Natasha about Bucky.

**19.** "I'm buried in a sea of homosexuals." Tumblr. It was a picture of Maria Hill looking off into the distance with those words as a caption.


	3. Chapter 3

**3: In Which the First Moves Are Made**

Quick note: There are 2 sex scenes in this chapter, but I don't actually write either of them out. I've got one of those coming between a certain straight pairing later on! :)

* * *

_LYDIA  
__Friday Afternoon…_

Lydia hates that she's got a class with Jackson, but she's pretty sure he hates it even more. Either way, they still sit with each other. Their teacher is doing something useless right now, though, so both of them are staring absentmindedly out of the nearest window. It's then that Lydia notices that Derek has his car parked outside while he's talking to someone she doesn't recognize, and she also notices that Jackson has noticed too.

"I'm not sure which is worse," she says, turning Jackson's attention back to her. "The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too," she says, referring to the party that happened last night.

"Probably the fact that you did," Jackson says absentmindedly.

Lydia knows that he's not really paying her any attention at that point, so she goes back to trying to pay attention to their English teacher.

**OoOoOoO**

_JACKSON  
Friday Evening…_

So far it's the calmest evening of the entire senior year, and it's a _Friday_. Jackson elbows Stiles in the side, deciding he'll take matters into his own hands. He's just with Stiles, Erica right now, which is _far_ from their usual numbers, but he doesn't even know where anybody else is.

"Ugh, what?" Stiles asks, looking away from his laptop.

"I need to take you to another club, dude," he says.

Stiles' eyes widen. "You really want to go again after _last_ time?"

He shrugs. "I'm over it now."

Erica' cocks an eyebrow. "What do _you_ two do at clubs?"

"Well _I_ hit on people and get phone numbers, but Stiles mostly just flails awkwardly and gets us glared at."

"Hey now," Stiles says. "I totally got the number of the bartender."

Jackson arches an eyebrow. "You do realize that 9-0-9-9-9 is the American Red Cross donation number, right? Lydia gives it to guys all of the time."

Stiles' face falls. "Oh."

Erica smiles, leaning over to him. "Can I come to the club with you?"

"Yeah, I guess," Jackson says. "Maybe you can help Stiles get a _real_ phone number."

Erica gives a smirk. "Forget phone numbers, we need to get you laid or I fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies."

Stiles gives the most awkward smile that Jackson has ever seen in his life. "You think it'll happen?"

Erica hums, tapping his nose with a claw. "I _know_ it'll happen. Now." She leans away. "Go make me a sandwich, would you? I'm hungry."

He gets up without protest, hopping out of the living room to get to the kitchen.

Jackson instantly moves closer to her, eyes scrutinizing. "You _really_ think we'll be able to get _him_ laid?"

Erica gives him a sly looking smirk. "Like I said, I know so."

His eyes widen. "No _way_, you do _not_ have a crush on—"

Erica's hand slams up to put a finger to his lips. "I love him, oh yes I do. He's for me, not for you. And if by chance you take my place…" She drags her finger slowly away from his lips and across his jaw line. "I'll take my fist and smash your face." She gives him a warm smile before standing up and disappearing towards the kitchen as well.

Jackson blinks back at her, swallowing tightly. Of all the people he knows, Erica is the most terrifying. Well…after Lydia, anyway.

**OoOoOoO**

_STILES  
Saturday Morning…_

Stiles huffs when nobody comes to Boyd's front door even though it's ten in the morning. He needs his help. He could always talk to Scott, but…he doesn't exactly know Erica as well as Boyd does. He doesn't remember a lot of the night, but he didn't have too much to drink so he does remember some of it. Most of it when he was dancing with Erica, and also getting shoved into a wall by Erica, and he was almost certain she was sober until all of it.

Stiles turns around from the door with a yelp when he sees that none other than Erica is there, chewing red gum that brings out how perfectly white her teeth actually are—and her fangs, for whatever reason she's got them out. "Erica, hey."

She smiles. "What are you doing here at Boyd's house?"

Stiles swallows tightly. "What are you _not_ doing here at Boyd's house?"

She raises an eyebrow. "Are you nervous that I'm going to hit you over the head with a piece of your Jeep again?"

Stiles licks his lips. "Possibly."

She smiles, and it's somehow warm. "I'm not going to hurt you anymore, Stiles. Well…" She steps closer to him, eyes flickering briefly to his mouth. "Not when you don't want me to, anyway."

Stiles' entire body instantly freezes as his blood flows down to a very inconvenient spot between his legs. "Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?" he blurts out. What the fuck is his problem? "It's all hypothetical," he quickly adds. "I don't have a Batman mask… Yet…"

Erica hums, stepping up to him so that she can put all of her weight on one leg and bend the other one up _just_ enough that it grazes his crotch. "I'm glad you don't have one," she says, pressing a clawed palm to his chest. "I still need to go and buy my Catwoman costume." She licks her lips.

Stiles is sure there's something to say after that, but he sort of just stands there with his jaw hanging wide and dumb. No wonder he doesn't have a girlfriend. "Are you—" He cuts off with a cough, because wow, voice cracks. "Do you want to go shopping at that all-year Halloween store in the mall with me?"

She hums, stepping away with that somehow warm smile. "When?"

He swallows tightly. "Like, right now."

She grins, holding her hand out. "Only if you let me drive."

Stiles actually debates that for a split second before slamming the keys to his Jeep into his hands. "Don't get us pulled over," he says.

"Like it will matter," Erica says as she turns around, her hair whipping lightly into Stiles' face. "Anyone who pulls me over will get one good look at my boobs and just tell me to have a nice day."

Stiles pulls in deep breath and lets it back out before he goes after her. "Always the one for modesty, aren't you?"

She smirks, climbing into the driver's seat. "Would you rather we _both_ be awkward?"

Stiles purses his lips. "You're right."

She laughs, starting the engine. At least Peter and Derek put everyone without a license through Drivers Ed and they've got their licenses now. "I know."

They're driving for about five minutes before Erica throws a glare in Stiles' direction. "Stop staring at my boobs now, I can't concentrate."

Stiles snorts awkwardly. "Well how do you think I feel?"

She purses her lips. "Fair enough."

**OoOoOoO**

_DEREK  
Saturday Afternoon…_

Derek gives an aggravated sigh as his phone starts to ring, snatching it up without seeing who it is. "_What_?" he snarls.

"Whoa there, wolf boy," his sister says. "What's eatin' you this time?"

Derek sighs, sinking into his couch. He's the only one at home right now since everyone else is at school and Peter is…somewhere else. "Nothing," he mutters.

"You're so bad at lying, dude. Let me guess, you're starting to have a crush on someone."

Derek blinks at the TV that's not on. "Why the hell would that be your first guess?"

"Ooh, I'm right. Who is it?"

Derek rolls his eyes. He doesn't like anyone—he _knows_ what happens when he starts to like people. They _die_. Just like Matt, Derek isn't religious, because why would he be when everything in the entire universe hates him? "I'm not crushing on anyone, Cora."

She snorts. "Liar. Is it Erica?"

"Um, no, she's like my daughter."

"Lydia?"

"She kind of scares me, actually."

"…Allison?"

"Scott would probably rip me in half."

"Yeah, probably. Either of the twins?"

"Also no. Aiden is in love with Lydia and Ethan is too perfect with Danny."

"Ohhh, so you're _jealous_!"

"I am not!"

"You are so cute, big brother. How about Scott himself?"

"I _know_ Allison would rip me in half."

She laughs. "I love Allison. What about Stiles?"

"Stiles is an idiot."

"God, I know, he's so adorable. I _know_ you hate Matt—"

"Yeah, I pretty much hate Matt."

"Isaac, then? Like…you could miss him for leaving your pack?"

"No, he's like my son. Boyd, too."

"That just leaves Jackson then, dude."

Derek snorts. "Nooo."

"Oh my god, you've got a crush on Jackson."

Derek wrinkles his nose up. "How the hell did you get Jackson out of a drug out 'no'."

"I've known you my entire life, Derek. Trust me, I know—you, though, obviously do not."

"I'm pretty sure I would know if I had a crush on someone, Cora."

"Nonsense, you have a full-blown crush. Tell me when you—OH MY GOD THERE'S A SALE ON LETTER OPENERS!" she suddenly screams. "DEREK, DEREK, I GOTTA GO!" She hangs up.

At that precise moment, Peter comes running into the living room with an armful of rubber snakes, bugs, and watches. "THEY HAD A SALE ON GLOW IN THE DARK STUFF!" he yells, dropping the armful on the couch. "COME HELP ME EMPTY THE TRUNK!" He runs back out.

Derek lowers the phone from his ear, blinking. _I wonder if our whole family is crazy_, he thinks. He quick leaves out a window before Peter gets back, deciding he'll check on some of his betas. Well…one of them. He knows Cora's wrong, but he also knows that Jackson is a sneaky little shit who could have told Cora to say all of those things in the first place. They've never actually met each other, though, so he doubts it.

**OoOoOoO**

_ERICA  
Saturday Evening…_

Erica smirks down at Stiles, her eyes glowing gold and her fangs and claws out. She's keeping her fur in, though. Fuzzy cheeks aren't exactly her best look. She bends down to Stiles' ear, darting her tongue out to lick its shell. She may be a virgin, but… Well, virgin schmirgin.

"And the wild things," she whispers, "gnashed their terrible teeth…" She growls lightly into his ear, loving the way he arches his neck slightly for her to drag her tongue across the carotid artery. She bites him lightly enough that her teeth don't break through (besides the fact that she's not into vampirism, everyone would kill her for accidentally turning Stiles during sex; talk about awkward), loving the way that he breathes out the tiniest of moans.

She leans away from his face, looking into his own eyes. They're usually brown, but he's so turned out that they're almost completely black. "They rolled their terrible eyes…" She grinds down on him, loving the way he arches his neck back even further and lets his own eyes roll backwards slightly.

She hums, reaching her clawed hands out to rest up on his chest. "And they showed their terrible claws…" She drags her hands down slowly, pressing hard enough with the tips of her claws that it won't hurt. Stiles shivers, looking back up at her with those ebony eyes. The room is mostly dark save for the lava lamp she didn't know he had, and it puts sparkles into Stiles' eyes that shine _much_ brighter than the glow in the dark ones on his ceiling. He's such a nerd. Erica loves it.

"I want you," she breathes, looking over what's left of his costume. Of course they had to do a little running around first, letting "Batman" try and catch "Catwoman", and Lydia really does have claws, so she had plenty of fun ruining it. Now it's more like a strippers look… His cape is sprawled out underneath him, the legs of the suit (it was just one piece besides that cape) are cut off at his thighs, his boots came off ages ago, he doesn't have any sleeves/gloves at all anymore, and his chest is so torn up that he basically doesn't have a top on either.

She's never actually looked at him like this before… Derek's got that "works out too much" look, but Stiles is more of a natural tone that Erica wants to lick juuust as much. Anyway, besides that, her own Catwoman suit is perfectly intact. She loves being a tease.

He swallows loosely before licking his lips. "Really?" he chokes out.

Erica breathes a laugh. "Why else would I have gone shopping for this stuff with you?" She braces her hands against his chest and leans down so that their noses are practically touching, giving him a good look at her boobs with the way her suit is unzipped just enough. They're _about_ to fall out, but they won't.

Stiles definitely notices. "Horny?" he suggests.

Erica laughs. "How about we do this and _then_ I tell you what prompted it, because that word is definitely what I am right now." Erica has had plenty of orgasm in her day, both by her own hand and with a few mouths now and again. She _is_ gorgeous, so why not?

Stiles nods fervently. "Yeah, okay."

Erica smirks, leaning back up. "You gonna get me outta this thing, then?"

Stiles sits up as well, letting her slide backwards off of his lap and onto the bed. He leans forward and kisses her—soft and sweet, which is adorable—as his hands reach up to the zipper, dragging it down with one hand while the other one holds it out straight so it doesn't get out. The zipper arcs off to the side so go down one of her legs, and once he gets it to about her stomach she finds that he, actually very smoothly, pushes her down onto her back with her legs still beside him and drags the zipper down the rest of the way.

She helps him after that, sitting back up to drag the shiny leather sleeves down and then lying down _again_ so that they can get her out of the stilettos she threw on and also the rest of the suit. She's still got on her bra and thong, and yes they match. She may be a werewolf, but she will always love leopard print. She grins at Stiles as he's looking her over, dropping his hands to her hips and just breathing a bit.

"Why are you a virgin again?" he asks, looking up at her eyes that she knows are currently glowing yellow.

She smiles, reaching her arms up to wrap around his neck. "I wanted to wait for someone I knew wouldn't hurt me," she says, not really realizing the truth of it until the words are out. She kisses him soft, and she loves the way he wraps his arms tightly around her back before rolling them over so that he's on top, holding himself up by his knees.

"I won't hurt you," Stiles says. "I mean, not on purpose. I mean—"

Erica breathes a laugh. "You won't hurt me," she says. "I'm a werewolf, remember? And our females have a _much_ higher pain tolerance than even males." She grins. "I'd be afraid of _me_ hurting _you_."

Stiles swallows tightly, but it's a good tight. "Let's just not leave me with any scars, yeah?"

She smiles as she nods. "Deal."

**OoOoOoO**

_JACKSON  
Saturday Evening…_

Derek is a secret idiot and Jackson loves it. He remembers that one night that he and Derek were drunk of their asses in perfect detail, and it was far better than anything he's _ever_ had. He's never actually met Cora before, but she was happy to help. All she had to do was plant the idea into Derek's over-thinking head and everything else would happen on its own.

And it happened very, very well.

"You know," Jackson says to break the silence as he traces a finger over Derek's tattoo. "If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitored, and tagged within five days."

"But I don't have a crush on Bin Ladin," Derek says. "I've got a crush on you."

Jackson lolls his tongue out in disgust. "Don't get romantic on me, dude. You'll scare me away."

Derek actually chuckles, which is nice due to the fact that Derek never laughs at all. Maybe Jackson will give him a key to his place, too… Well, maybe not. He knows how to open locked windows anyway. Either way, his old alpha is definitely going to be his new booty call. Jackson will get to all the gushy stuff some other time.

**OoOoOoO**

_ERICA  
Saturday Evening…_

Erica and Stiles both lie there for a long time, side-by-side and breathing heavy. Stiles eventually breaks the calm, though still looking up at the ceiling:

"Well, it's official," he says. "I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible."

Erica breathes a laugh, rolling onto her side to wrap an arm around his chest. "You're a simple man with simple tastes. I like that, but I'm going to change it so drastically you're going to think biting is only a thing that children do."

Stiles gives her a wide-eyed look. "That doesn't mean you're going to stop it, does it?"

She laughs. "Not a chance."

He grins. "Thank god."

* * *

References: There are **9** of them from this chapter:

**1.** "I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too." TWtw. Said by Lydia to Jackson about Stiles.

**2.** "We need to get you laid or I fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies." Atw. Said by Erica to Stiles.

**3.** "I love him, oh yes I do. He's for me, not for you. And if by chance you take my place, I'll take my fist and smash your face." I couldn't find a legit source.

**4.** "Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask? It's all hyphothetical. I don't have a Batman mask… Yet…" Twtw. Said by Stiles to Erica.

**5.** "Stop staring at my boobs now, I can't concentrate."  
"Well how do you think I feel?"  
"Fair enough." Atw. Said by Natasha and Clint.

**6.** "I wonder if our whole family is crazy." R. Boyd. Mitchell.  
**  
7.** "And the wild things gnashed their terrible teeth… Rolled their terrible eyes… Showed their terrible claws…" This is technically from Where the Wild Things Are by Maurice Sendak, but the scene itself was required from a fanart of Derek: _Wild Things_ by _maichan-art_ (on deviantart).

**8.** "If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered, and tagged within five days." Twtw. Said about Derek.

**9.** "Well, it's official. I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible." Atw. Said by Lydia.


	4. Chapter 4

**4: In Which Everyone Else Hooks Up Too**

_ALLISON  
Sunday Afternoon…_

"So," Allison says, dropping down beside Erica on Lydia's bed where they all decided to meet after Saturday's…events. "How was it?"

Erica grins. "I may or may not have lost my virginity dressed as Catwoman, and he was dressed as Batman. Glad I waited."

Allison is grinning, but Lydia is giving her an incredulous look. "_What_?" she says.

Erica flits her wrist. "It's not important. He's literally the most perfect thing. It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time. Also, we showered the next morning and he blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick."

Allison claps her hands together as she laughs. "Now _that's_ fucking teamwork."

Lydia groans a little. "I am so glad it didn't go anywhere when I kissed him to stop that panic attack. I tried to make it happen one time, you know."

Erica and Allison both blink at her. "Really?" Allison asks. "_You_ actually tried to hook up with _Stiles_?"

"Subtly, yes. I sent him a picture of me touching myself."

Erica snorts. "And _that_ didn't work?"

She blinks a couple of times before continuing. "He responded back: 'Your nails look really nice'."

Erica and Allison both burst into laughter. "Oh my god," Erica says. "I am never going to let him forget that."

Allison grins. "Do you still have the text, Lyd's? Maybe we can frame it."

She grins. "I do. I'll print it out next time I can."

She nods, looking back at Erica. "Was there anything that made it awkward?" she asks.

Erica snorts. "He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra."

Allison shrugs. "At least he tried, right?"

Lydia nods. "_That_ I can agree with, but he's still not my type."

"Good," Erica says. "More for me."

"Speaking of nothing we're talking about," Lydia says, "Cora told me that she got Jackson and Derek together."

Allison and Erica both gape at her. "Jackson and _Derek_?" Allison sputters.

Lydia nods. "Not really sure how _that_ happened, but I suppose it doesn't matter. They're good for each other, I think. Derek especially… It's cute, though, when you Google his name, more than one mug shot comes up from different states."

Allison and Erica both laugh. "Let me see," Allison says, taking Lydia's laptop. She types away and, low and behold, Lydia is right.

"That's totally a Derek thing," Erica says. "Do you think he knows?"

"I'm sure he knows," Lydia says. "He probably tries to keep it secret, too. About him and Jackson, though… Cora said that Jackson called her back up and asked her to keep the whole thing secret until they really figure it out, so naturally she called me right away." She grins. "_I'll_ make sure that Jackson knows we know, and Erica, _you_ make sure that Derek knows we know. We'll have them under our nails in less than a second."

Allison grins and says, "I love you," as Erica leans over to Lydia and kisses her cheek. Forever a sea of homosexuals…

Lydia smirks as she takes her laptop back. "I know."

**OoOoOoO**

_MATT  
Monday Morning…_

"So what did you do with Ethan this weekend?" Matt asks, sitting down beside Danny in the library. They're always here early, and since nobody else is, they may as well utilize the silent morning book-nerd space.

Danny smiles, looking away from his computer screen. "I was convinced to by a man-thong."

Matt cocks an eyebrow.

"Except it's Armani, so it's okay!" he quick adds.

Matt gives him a dull look.

Danny purses his lips. "God, I just out-gayed myself."

"_Anyway_," Matt says. "I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you didn't go through the pics." His crush on Allison now over with, Matt has someone else in mind… He hasn't done any photo shopping due to the fact that that was embarrassing as _fuck_, but he's definitely got some close-ups of his newest obsession.

Danny reaches into his backpack and pulls it out. "I figured it would be."

Matt lets out a breath of air, cradling the case close. "Right, yeah, good, you're the best."

Danny nods. "I know."

Isaac suddenly appears, sitting down beside Matt. Isaac, of all people… "Hey," he says. And then, specifically to Matt, "I don't know what kind of drugs you were on at the party last night, but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important."

Matt gives him an awkward, wide-eyed look. "Yeah, uh, April twentieth can get pretty crazy, right?"

"I'll say," Danny says, rescuing Matt like he usually does. "When I told my boss I was taking a vacation day for four/twenty, he gave me a personal cell phone number and winked at me."

Isaac cocks an eyebrow, taking the bait. "Don't you work at that car repair shop?"

Danny nods.

Isaac hums. "It's a good thing I work in the cemetery and can basically do anything I want anyways."

Matt nods. "Yeah, anything…"

Danny blinks a bit. "Are you wondering if he's ever had sex in a freshly dug grave?"

So much for being his savior.

"Gotta go!" Matt says loudly, jumping up and running off. Yeah, so he's got a thing for Isaac now… Who wouldn't? He's sculpted like fucking Ares or something. Either way, Matt is pretty sure he'd like to go die right about now.

**OoOoOoO**

_LYDIA  
Monday Afternoon…_

Stiles suddenly sits up from Erica's lap, nearly knocking their faces together. Those two and Lydia are currently sitting in a hallway without anyone else, mostly because they're all taking a test they missed the other day. Lydia, Erica, and Stiles don't have the class at all, though.

"I've just had an apostrophe," Stiles says.

Lydia arches an eyebrow. "I think you mean an epiphany."

Stiles grins at Erica and then Lydia. "Lightning just struck my brain."

Erica hums, pulling him calmly back down to her lap. "Well that must have hurt."

"We know that Isaac has a huge crush on Matt even though his heart doesn't spike when he denies it, right?" Stiles says.

"Right," Lydia and Erica says in unison. That was established ages ago between Lydia, Erica, and Allison, but he and Erica spilled pretty much every secret they've ever had or known to each other back when they lost their virginity to each other.

Stiles grins. "Erica, you find out if Matt likes him back—"

"He does," Lydia says, setting down her nail file and then grabbing up her poinsettia red polish. "I overheard him talking to Derek."

Erica rolls her eyes. "He tells Derek _everything_."

"I would too," Lydia says, cleaning off a smudge. "He doesn't care about any of those things, which means he'll instantly forget about it and then never tell anyone."

"Anyway!" Stiles says, pulling Erica's hands back to his head to keep playing with the hair there. It looks so much better longer than the buzz cut. "So Matt likes him too, then. We've got to get them together."

Erica arches an eyebrow down at him. "What for? They're both so shy when it comes down to it that we could only do it when they're drunk or really, _really_ high."

"You mean as high as you were?" Lydia asks her.

Erica gives her a dull look. "_You're_ the one that let me eat you out."

Stiles ignores them and continues: "We should just get someone whose heart also doesn't spike to tell Matt that Isaac is drunk when he's really not, and we'll also tell Isaac that Matt is drunk when he's really not, and when they quick go to make out with each other they'll eventually realize that neither of them are drunk and just go with it because they'll be sick of keeping it to themselves."

Lydia and Erica blink at each other a bit. "That's actually a good idea," Lydia says.

"That's actually a _really_ good idea," Erica says. "You are so great." She bends down to rub their noses together. "I'll have to give you a reward if it works."

He frowns. "What if it doesn't work?"

She shrugs. "Then you did your best and you'll just have to reward me."

He grins. "I can do that."

"I have a better idea, though," Lydia says with a smirk.

Erica and Stiles frown at her. "What's better than that?" Erica asks.

"Just trust me."

**OoOoOoO**

_MATT  
Monday, Late Afternoon…_

Isaac sits down beside Matt on the bleachers, not looking over at him. Matt is about to get up and run again, but Isaac licks his lips and speaks:

"Just so you know, I've never had sex in a freshly dug grave," he says.

Matt swallows tightly. "Oh?"

He nods. "I've never had sex at all, actually."

Matt is blushing. Oh god, he's blushing, he's got to cover it up, he's got to—

Isaac turns his head and kisses him hard and soft all at once.

The entire lacrosse team instantly bursts into cheers, and Matt blushes even more as Isaac pulls away and flips everybody off in his own uniform. Then he turns back to him, grinning.

"I _happen_ to have a grave to dig tonight," he says, giving Matt the steamiest (and only) bedroom eyes he's ever gotten in his life. "Meet me there at ten o'clock, alright?"

Matt nods. "Yeah," he says, voice definitely a little weak. "Yeah, okay."

When Isaac kisses him before getting back up for practice, he lifts his hands up and cradles Matt's face in his them. It's better kiss than the awkward rejected one he had with Allison by a _mile_.

**OoOoOoO**

_BOYD  
Monday Evening…_

Boyd is sitting on the couch watching the first Pirates of the Caribbean, wearing about three of the dumb glow in the dark watches he bought on sale, and there's a snake in the back pocket of jeans. When Peter finally walks into Derek's place (it's funny that they all still call it "Derek's place" or "the Hale mansion" when over half of them live there with him), he's glaring around at everyone who's already here (which is everyone but Isaac, Scott, and Danny, who are working, and Matt, who's just not answering his phone). Nobody has broken out any drugs or alcohol yet, mostly due to the fact that the blackmailing secret got out (thank you, Stiles) and they're all a little scared of the girls right now.

"I just realized something," he says, setting down the briefcase of gold he carries around everyone. It's also got a bunch of the damned glow stuff in it. "Three of you have tried to kill me in the past." He points at Derek and Allison. "Also Scott. One of you succeeded."

Jackson snorts. "Well, don't expect us to be too impressed about you coming back to life," he says.

"Yeah," Lydia says. "We just saw your nephew walk by in his underwear."

Stiles looks over with wide eyes, curly fries hanging out of his mouth as usual. "Hmm?" he says. "Derek in underwear?"

Boyd rolls his eyes. Unlike everyone else here, Derek isn't his type.

Jackson cocks an eyebrow. "Do you even _try_ to be straight when you're sober?"

Stiles swallows his mouthful. "I am strictly bisexual and nobody can stop me."

Erica drops her head into Stiles' lap. "I bet we could get Derek in on a three-way."

Derek walks into the room at that point, dressed in sweats and a t-shirt from the shower he was taking. "Bet you couldn't," he says.

Erica gives him an evil grin. "Just you wait."

Stiles grins as well, though less evilly. "I promise I won't make you have sex with me if you at least strip for us."

Erica shrugs, sitting back up. "I might."

Boyd rolls his eyes again and looks over at where Peter is squatting down in front of him. "Besides that glare," he says, "you've got a very light bounce in your step. I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend?"

Peter's only answer is to grin.

**OoOoOoO**

_LYDIA  
Monday Evening…_

Everyone is passed out by now, Scott having shown up and Peter and Boyd having completely disappeared. Lydia is just about to call in her own quits (she already had sex with Aiden and now he's sleeping up I his room while she came back down to finish the Pirates of the Caribbean movie with everyone), but suddenly the door pushes open to reveal none other than Isaac and Matt. They're covered in dirt, a few strands of grass, Matt's neck looks like one giant hicky bruise, and Isaac has what looks a lot like cum all over his shirt.

She arches an eyebrow at them. "Where have _you_ two been?"

They both look at her, look at each other, look at the way they're holding hands, look at Isaac's shirt, and then look back at Lydia before Isaac speaks: "We kind of lost our virginities in a grave at the cemetery after I finished digging it."

Lydia blinks at them. "That's a lot kinkier than I knew Matt could handle. Good for you."

They actually giggle at her, so she just flits a wrist as they run passed her to get to the stairs. Why they thought they could sneak through the back door without being seen is beyond her.

**OoOoOoO**

_BOYD  
Monday Evening…_

Boyd wakes up with a groan, trying to decipher where the fuck he is. A couple of seconds later he realizes that he's in the middle of the Hale forest, on a blanket, and Peter is naked beside him—and awake.

"Sleep well?" he asks, stretching.

Boyd looks at him and then away, realizing that he just had sex with his best friend—with_out_ enough alcohol to be drunk enough to justify it. "I've fallen from my one moral pedestal," he breathes.

"Nah, come on, you loved it," Peter says. "You told me so just before you passed out."

Boyd remembers that part, now. "Well, for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-I-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, I thought it was pretty good."

Peter grins, sitting up. "Do you remember anything besides that?"

Boyd frowns, trying to. "No. What did you give me?"

"Well, you were pretty high of something that _wasn't_ weed, so I'll tell you: we went to my favorite bar and nobody there would give you anything to drink because you're underage, so then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka."

Boyd gives a _not bad_ sort of nod. "Sweet. Did I win?"

Peter smirks. "You're hungover, aren't you?"

Boyd nods. "Only for a second. It went away."

Peter nods in turn. "Gotta love werewolf powers." He grins again. "Now, next time I say that I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the 'Boyd' out of our Bromance, will you listen to me?"

Boyd raises an eyebrow, sitting up as well. "Do I have a choice?"

He laughs. "No, thank god. We should totally have a three-way with—"

"No."

He pouts out his bottom lip like the child he pretends to me. "But you had one with Lydia and Aiden!"

"_No_."

Peter huffs. "Fine."

* * *

References: There are **19** of them from this chapter:

**1.** "Lost my virginity dressed as Catwoman, and he was dressed as Batman. Glad I waited." TWtw. Said by Erica.

**2.** "He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now _that's_ fucking teamwork." Atw. Said by Natasha.

**3.** "He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra. At least he tried, right?" Atw. Said by Natasha.

**4.** "It's cute, though, when you Google his name, more than one mug shot comes up from different states." Twtw. Said about Derek.

**5.** "A sea of homosexuals…" Already referenced!

**6.** "I was convinced to by a man-thong. Except it's Armani, so it's okay! God, I just out-gayed myself." Twtw. Said by Danny.

**7.** "I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you didn't go through the pics." Twtw. Said by Matt.

**8.** "I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night, but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important." Twtw. Said about Stiles.

**9.** "When I told my boss I was taking a vacation day for four/twenty, he gave me a personal cell phone number and winked at me." Twtw. Said about Deaton.

**10.** The whole "sculpted like Ares" thing I think is totally great because Daniel Sharman (AKA Isaac) acts in another movie called Immortals, and he plays Ares. Just thought I was clever XD

**11.** "I've just had an apostrophe."  
"I think you mean an epiphany."  
"Lightning just struck my brain."  
"Well that must have hurt." Hook.

**12.** "[Four] of you have tried to kill me in the past. One of you succeeded." Pirates of the Caribbean 3.

**14.** "Well, don't expect us to be too impressed. We just saw [Finnick Oddair] in his underwear." Mockingjay by Susan Collins.

**15.** "I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend?" Atw. Said by Clint to Tony.

**16.** "I've fallen from my one moral pedestal." Atw. Said by Steve.

**17.** "Well, for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-I-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, I thought it was pretty good." Atw. Said by Steve to Thor.

**18.** "So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka."  
"Sweet. Did I win?"  
"You're hungover, aren't you?" Atw. Said by Clint and Natasha.

**19.** "I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the 'Boyd' out of our Bromance." Atw. Said by Bucky to Steve.


	5. Chapter 5

**5: In Which Life Goes On**

Quick note: There is totally a sex scene between Stiles and Erica in this chapter. Enjoy it!

* * *

_DEREK  
__Tuesday Evening…_

"Where _are_ they?" Derek growls. "I haven't done a howl that loud in ages!" Just because there's no darkness doesn't mean that there aren't a few monsters every now and again, and now is exactly one of those times. Wizards are annoying as all hell.

As if on cue, Erica, Lydia, and Allison all show up. Erica lands after flipping through the air and Allison is driving a motorbike with Lydia behind her.

"What are you guys doing here?" Derek asks. "Where are the others?"

"All passed out drunk, as usual," Lydia says, swinging off of the bike.

"Erica said you just called for them since male magicians like to take over female minds," Allison says, "but you're just going to have to deal with it."

"Sorry," Erica says. "We're all there is."

Peter starts humming the "I'll Make a Man Out of You" song from Mulan.

Derek doesn't have any more time to protest. The three wizards come out of the trees, eyes glowing blue. "Don't look into their eyes!" he yells.

He and Peter lunge at one of them, tackling him to the ground and diving away from any beams of magic so that they can tear his limbs apart. He howls in agony, but they don't stop. It's this or an entire city of female slaves, and girls are bad enough on their own.

When they stand up, they turn back to see with wide eyes that the other two wizards are already ripped up as well. One has arrows through both his eyes and the other is writhing in Erica's grip as she twists his head so hard that it separates from his body completely.

"That was easy," Lydia says, pulling out a lighter to start light each of the limbs up.

Derek looks over at Peter with wide eyes, and his uncle says, "Kay, never mind. Send daughters."

Allison smirks at them, pulling her arrows out. "We are having none of your sexism today, boys."

Erica bends down to the wizard who isn't completely burned yet. "I'm pretty sick of _your_ apocalypse shenanigans as well," she says, spitting on him.

Peter snorts. "That's the first time I've heard 'shenanigans' and 'apocalypse' in the same sentence."

The three girls all stand up straighter, glaring at him. "I find that hard to believe coming from you," Lydia says, wiping the wizard gunk onto her jeans.

When the five of them get back to Derek's place, all of the guys are passed out—except for Stiles and Jackson.

Jackson looks higher than a kite, and Stiles looks like he's had…something else. "Whoa, hey," he says to them. "Did you know that Jackson's back smells like cinnamon?"

Jackson nods. "Sinnamon and marawanna," he slurs. He's got some alcohol next to him, too.

"I wish I was a Power Ranger," Stiles says, dropping his head into Jackson's lap—then his eyes very suddenly widen very wide, looking up at Jackson. "Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Ever."

"Like I said," Lydia says. "Not useful in a fight."

"Hey, hey, Derek, hey," Jackson says, waving one of his hands. "If I die I have two requests. One, a Viking funeral pyre, and two, I want you to take over my Facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone."

Derek rolls his eyes, going to pick Jackson up so he can get him into bed somewhere. "Anything you say, Jackson," he says.

Jackson laughs warmly. "You're pretty."

Derek nods, putting him onto the empty couch. "I know. Go to bed."

Jackson passes out instantly.

"You are such a cute boyfriend," Erica says.

Derek gives her a wide-eyed look.

"Oh yeah," Allison says. "We know."

Derek should have known secrets don't survive in their group of friends. The next time Cora comes down for a visit he's going to murder her.

**OoOoOoO**

_STILES  
Wednesday Evening…_

Stiles is just about to pass out at three AM when his phone buzzes, so he reaches over to check it. Usually late night texts like this are emergencies of a sort.

It's Erica: **Plz tell me ure still up**

Stiles replies right away: **Barely, whats up?**

**I just killed a bear and now im rly horny help**

Stiles cringes a little. This is what he gets for dating a female werewolf. **Arent u on ur period?** he asks. He may be an equally horny teenager, but he's got his limits. He'll surpass them someday, but not quite yet.

**Yes, but ****u misunderstood me….i wasn't asking and it is not negotiable**

Stiles rolls his eyes, knowing he's just going to end up doing it. Better get over the whole blood thing now than later, he supposes. **Ure making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.**

**Just tell me what place we're going to and i wont hurt u on accident**

Stiles is suddenly supremely turned on. Rough sex is always the best sex. **My dad got home 5 minutes ago and crashed out like no tomorrow. We'll be fine.**

**No u dont understand I just KILLED A MALE GRIZZLY BEAR. We need to be alone.**

Stiles snorts, swinging out of bed and just calling her instead.

"_What_?" she snarls.

"Whoa there, it's me."

She lets out an aggravated sigh. "Oh, good. Where can we go?"

"I really think we're going to be fine here, babe," he says. "When he comes home this late I can play Guitar Hero on full volume and he still doesn't wake up."

"You're sure?"

"Mm-hmm."

"You _promise_?"

"I promise, dude."

She snarls. "Don't call me dude."

"You love it when I call you—"

"NOT TONIGHT." She suddenly lands on the roof outside of Stiles' window, covered in blood and her clothes ripped to shreds. There's fur on her cheeks, but she cracks her neck both ways as Stiles pushes the window up to put it away. When she crawls in she's holding a backpack, but Stiles doesn't have time to ask what's in it before she's talking again:

"Get me a washcloth soaked in _hot_ water and bring it back so I can get this shit off of me," she hisses.

Stiles nods, flitting out of the room. It takes about a minute for the water to heat up to how she likes it, and when he comes back the backpack has been dumped out onto the floor to reveal… Stiles' eyes widen. _Three_ pairs of handcuffs, the same chain that Stiles likes to keep around, a spiked collar with a matching leash, and a riding crop.

"You won't be giving me oral since I'm on my period," she says, "which means _you're_ getting strapped down." She points to the bed. "I forgot my leather Catwoman suit."

Stiles blinks at her a bit. "When you said you won't hurt me on accident…"

She waves both of her eyes. "I'm not a sadist and I know you're not a masochist. This is just everything that I could find. I won't use it all. Well…" She points to the bed, grinning now. "Not to hurt you, anyway."

Stiles knows that he trusts Erica, so he tosses her the washcloth before he starts to strip, crawling naked onto the bed by the time that Erica has wiped all of the blood off of her. She's only in her bra, period panties (which are still super sexy, it's just not a thong), and the leopard print heels she likes to wear, and honestly Stiles is already turned on enough that she really doesn't even need to do any foreplay for _him_. This is about her, though, so he's not about to complain.

She uses one of the handcuffs for both of Stiles' hands, wrapping them around the rungs on his bed before putting his wrists into them. The others are used for his ankles, and everything else just stays down on the floor as Erica walks once around the bed (they moved it away from the wall back the first time; there had to be more obstacles for Batman to catch Catwoman, obviously), eyes roaming over him hungrily in their yellow glow.

She stops at the end of his bed, opening her mouth just enough to show that her fangs are receding. "Anywhere you want me to touch first?"

Stiles snorts. "How many places do I have that I _ever_ want touched?"

She smirks. "Alright, then how do you want _me_?"

Stiles swallows tightly. "I'm not sure if I want to watch your ass or your mouth."

She hums, kicking off her heels to get onto the bed. "I'll switch it up," she says. "Ass first, considering it's probably the less-attractive of the two in these."

"Babe, you still look _totally_ attractive in those. Seriously, those are like normal underwear for people. Ass-teases are great too, you know."

She grins, swinging over to straddle his chest. "Good to know."

She bends down and drags her tongue over the head of Stiles' cock, already pulling a moan from him. She takes him down slowly, lathering him up with saliva and his own pre-come. Stiles loves her mouth… He loves the way it can work between his legs, but he also loves the way it bites his neck and drags its tongue over his skin and it kisses like an _angel_ when it sucks in on his bottom lip.

Stiles wants to hold her hips, but these blasted handcuffs are completely in the way.

When Erica swings around to be mostly on the floor, she also unclips her bra to toss it onto the floor, letting her breasts hang while she bends back down between Stiles' leg, tonguing Stiles' balls before dragging her tongue up from the bottom and swallowing him whole again.

"Oh my god," Stiles eventually chokes out, straining against the cuffs. "Erica, god, careful. More of that and you'll make me—"

She pulls away at that, practically ripping her underwear down and Stiles isn't even deterred by the bloody tampon she pulls out and tosses into his trashcan before she crawls forward and sinks onto him in one fell swoop. Stiles cries out loudly, but his dad really does sleep like the dead, so he's far from worried about being heard.

"You're so fucking gorgeous like this," Erica says, rolling her hips to slide up and down on him. "When you do this to me I want you to use the collar."

Stiles can't even nod at her. She's speeding up and her claws are dragging just lightly enough that they don't draw blood across his stomach and Stiles is getting so fucking close but he wants Erica to feel it to, so he's holding himself back.

"Er-Erica," he chokes out. "My hands, please."

"No," she snarls, fangs back out again. "I'm so close, Stiles. Just hold out for one more minute, I beg you."

Stiles can do that, and he does, and as Erica's moans are getting higher and higher Stiles lets himself go as well, letting her pull everything out of him as she orgasms on top of him.

"Oh my god," they both say at once. "I am officially over being afraid of having sex while you're on your period," Stiles continues.

"Good," Erica says, pulling off of him and rolling onto her back beside him. "Because that was fucking awesome." She leans over to undo his handcuffs, and then hands Stiles the key to get the ones at his ankles.

"Where did you even get these?" he asks.

"I keep stealing the extra pair your dad keeps in his car," she says as she gets off of the bed and goes over to the backpack.

"I should have known," he says, tossing her the cuffs so she can put them away. "He keeps blaming me for it."

She smirks, pulling out a tampon. "I know." She gathers up her clothes before sneaking out of his room to get to the bathroom, and Stiles grabs up his boxers to get those on before Erica comes back in a couple of minutes.

"Should I go?" she asks.

"Nah," Stiles says, patting the bed. "We're going to have to get up early for school tomorrow, so you may as well sleep an hour and then head out at six."

She nods, crawling in beside him. "I'm glad you like cuddling," she says, "because now I'm not horny anymore and I just want a hug."

Stiles breathes a laugh, pulling her into his arms. "I've got plenty of those."

She hums, kissing his chin. "Goodnight, Stiles."

"G'night, babe."

**XxX**

_Thursday Morning…_

When Erica leaves the next morning, Stiles' dad is up and he definitely calls Stiles out for a…talk. It's an unexpected one, but Stiles is glad it happens. When he walks back into his room with a grin, the first thing he does is grab his phone up to call his girlfriend. He loves Erica. Well, maybe not _love_-loves Erica… But he's pretty damn close and if she says it first then he'll happily say it right after her.

"I thought you were going to skip school and go back to bed," Erica says in greeting.

Stiles grins even though she can't see it. "My dad was up when you left."

She's silent for a couple of seconds. "So are we going to leave town tonight or should we pack first?"

Stiles laughs. "No, uh…it's better than that."

"_Better_?"

"Yeah! My dad just asked me if my booty call girl that comes over at three AM and leaves at six would like to stay for breakfast. You in?"

Erica is silent for a few different seconds. "Yeah, alright," she says. "Leave the window open for me and I'll be right back."

"Deal."

**OoOoOoO**

_ERICA  
Thursday Afternoon…_

"Oh, I heard you and Stiles are a thing now," Cora says over the phone. Erica calls her up during her lunch sometimes, just to see how she's doing. They were stuck in a bank vault for a few months together, after all. "How's that going?"

"Good," Erica says. "He's the sweetest thing in the entire world, not to mention he's into all of the same things I am. It's kind of weird knowing that we're each other's firsts, but I like it." She frowns. "I think his dad likes it, too."

Cora snorts. "What?"

"Yeah. His dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning."

"The fact that you come over to bang him and then actually stay for breakfast made that inevitable."

Erica shrugs. "I like it, he likes me… It's great. I think he's just glad that he didn't end up with Derek or something."

"You're practically the female version of Derek, though."

"No, that would be _your_ job."

"So he's glad that he didn't end up with me?"

"Honestly I think he's just glad that his son is topping, because you _know_ that he'd be the bottom for any guy ever."

She snorts. "Maybe, but he'd be the pushiest bottom to ever bottom and whoever was with him would thrive off of it."

"That's true. He's not so much with me. You think he'd be a talker, but mostly he just moans a lot. It's very nice."

"I bet. Someone like that would have really awkward sex-talk, probably."

"Definitely. You should come down for a visit. We miss you."

Cora laughs. "I thought nobody would ever ask."

**OoOoOoO**

_DEREK  
Thursday Afternoon…_

Derek gives the tiniest smile as he answers Jackson's call after school: "Hey there, douchebag."

"Hello yourself, asshole. Are they still making out on the couch?"

Derek glares over at where Isaac and Matt are currently having a face-battle in the living room, having skipped school completely. "Yes."

Jackson groans. "How can we get them to leave?"

Derek purses his lips in thought. "I'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife."

Jackson is silent for a couple of seconds. "If there was a Creeper Hall of Fame you would be the first _two_ inductees."

"Do you want to have the place to ourselves or not?"

Jackson huffs. "I honestly don't even think I care anymore, just…ugh, don't do that. Leave your window open and they won't even know I was there."

"Deal."

**OoOoOoO**

_STILES  
Thursday Evening…_

The door opens just as Stiles and Erica sit down on his bed, completely dressed and with their hair even brushed. It's Stiles' dad, too, so thank god. Maybe he knows that they're having sex, but that doesn't mean he needs to _see_ it.

He looks at them, looks around the room, and then looks back at them. "Well, love is in the air."

Stiles is about to make a joke about how him and Erica totally aren't officially dating since neither of them actually asked each other, but the sheriff continues before he can:

"And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here."

Stiles's mouth closes slowly and Erica's eyes widen as she averts them.

His dad nods. "It's good to see you again, Erica." He steps out of the room. "I already know you've invested in condoms, but you might want to think about some air fresheners as well." He closes the door.

Stiles and Erica stay silent for about four seconds before they both burst into laughter. He's glad that his dad likes Erica, really. She's pretty damn perfect.

* * *

References: There are **10** of them from this chapter:

**1.** "Kay, never mind. Send daughters." Tumblr. It was Shang with "did they send me daughters when I asked for sons" and then like 5000 pictures super badass, hardcore girls before that quoted line :P

**2.** "I wish I was a Power Ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Ever." Twtw. Said by Stiles.

**3.** "If I die I have two requests. One, a Viking funeral pyre, and two, I want you to take over my Facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone." Twtw. Said by Stiles to Scott.

**4.** "You misunderstood me….I wasn't asking and it is not negotiable."  
"You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call." Atw. Said by Loki and Tony.

**5.** "My dad just asked me if my booty call [guy] that comes over at 3 AM and leaves at 6 would like to stay for [Sunday brunch next week]. You in?" TWtw. Said by Stiles to Derek.

**6.** "His dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning." TWtw. Said about the sheriff.

**7.** "He'd be the pushiest bottom to ever bottom and whoever was with him would thrive off of it." A comment on a tumblr post about the Sterek ship.

**8.** "Are they still making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?"  
"I'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife." TWtw. Said by Stiles and Derek.

**9.** "If there was a Creeper Hall of Fame [we] would be the first two inductees." TWtw. Said by Jackson to Derek.

**10.** "Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here." Atw. Said by Steve to Clint and Natasha.


	6. Chapter 6

**6: In Which Cora Visits the Lives Going On**

_DEREK  
Friday Evening…_

"Alright, subject change," Matt says. "Prom is coming up and not all of us have dates yet."

Everyone looks around, taking that idea in.

"It's really just me and Jackson," Boyd says, "and that's not a big deal since Jackson can get whoever he wants in the entire school and I don't really want to go."

Derek and Jackson purposefully keep completely straight faces and _don't_ look at each other. They know the secret is only out to the girls and to Stiles and that Stiles was told not to tell any of the guys, so they're definitely going with it. He does notice Peter eyeing Boyd, though, which is expected. Peter is creepy.

"Whaaat?" Stiles says. "Come on, Boyd, you have to go!"

He shrugs. "All of the girls I know are taken and I don't feel like meeting any others."

"I'll go with you," Peter says.

Boyd blinks a couple of times. "No thanks."

Peter huffs. "Rejected again."

"You're really creepy, Peter," Ethan says as if reading Derek's mind

He shrugs. "Maybe, but I don't get nearly enough credit for managing not to be a violent psychopath."

All of Derek, Stiles, Scott, and Isaac yell at once, "YOU _ARE_ A VIOLENT PSYCHOPATH!"

Peter grins and puts a finger to his lips. "Shh."

Derek rolls his eyes. "Insanity doesn't run in my family. It _strolls_ through, taking time to get to know each of us personally."

"_Anyway_," Jackson stresses. "Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest."

It's a good thing it's also not known that Derek gets all of his drugs from where Stiles steals them from the station and then gives/sells them to Jackson, meaning that _he's_ the drug dealer and it's an adorable, subtle way of asking him to a high school prom. He'll have to decline due to the fact that it _is_ a high school prom, but the gesture is still nice.

"Depends what drugs they've got," Scott says, oblivious. "Is it just weed, or are you doing cocaine again?"

"Nah, I quit that," Jackson says. "They mostly divvy out heroin."

The best thing about being a werewolf is that, like alcohol, drugs effect you exactly how they're supposed to, they just don't do any real damage.

"Probably smart," Stiles says. "The whole cocaine thing was during the kanima time and you really don't need another 'well, I can cross being naked in a minivan off my list' situation."

Jackson glares a little. "You put me _into_ that situation!"

"Hey now," Stiles says, holding a hand up. "Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a Ring Pop, I suggest you don't judge me." He frowns, lowering the hand. "Okay, I even judged myself for that."

Matt rolls his eyes a little and looks over at Jackson. "Just remember that it was for your own good."

Jackson turns the glare to him. "You're the one that got me into a situation to be put into that situation in the first place!"

Peter snorts. "I never thought I'd want Gerard around for a joke."

"Speaking of Gerard," Isaac says, "Allison told me that he passed away last night."

Everyone's jaw drops before they all give little whoops.

"She did the same thing," Isaac says with a nod. "He's worse than you, Peter."

Peter huffs. "I'm sorry that I don't remember the day I lost my mind."

"It was probably that time you walked in on Derek masturbating," Boyd says.

Derek gives him a wide-eyed look.

Boyd smirks a little. "Yeah, he told me about that."

"Speaking of masturbating," Scott says with a little frown, "I haven't been able to do that in _ages_. I'm always around Allison, so I—"

Stiles interrupts him: "Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?"

Scott purses his lips. "Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly."

Jackson nods. "The only action I'm getting these days is from you people," he lies, "and I'm usually drunk off my ass while doing it." He looks up at the ceiling. "I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you…"

Stiles snorts, to which Jackson glares at him, and Derek can't help but feel that he's missing an inside joke.

Danny grins, ignoring the exchange. "And to the left you can see Jackson's newest business pitch forming in the corner of his mind."

"I remember the first time Stiles was drunk after I became a werewolf," Scott says. "The alcohol wasn't affecting me since my turning was so new, but he was talking about plenty of girls in the sea."

Stiles gives him a dull look. "I also remember, very clearly, that you said Allison broke up with you using some Backstreet Boy lyrics."

Scott grins. "Yeah, and you said, 'You deserved it if you knew it was the Backstreet Boys'."

Ethan grins. "Stiles is always one for a laugh when he's drunk."

Aiden nods. "He's easily the funniest of us all when he's not being annoying."

Stiles grins. "Thanks."

"Sometimes he's drunk _and_ annoying though," Derek mutters. "The first time I ever saw you drunk you showed up at my apartment after three AM, wasted with a plate of cookies, and tried to hook up."

Stiles cringes. "Sorry about that." Then, a smile. "Except for the cookies."

Peter nods fervently. "They were very good cookies."

Scott grins over at Isaac. "Remember that time that we—"

Isaac instantly bursts into laughter.

"Whoa, what happened?" Matt says, tugging at Isaac's sleeve. "What did you guys do?"

"It was just the two of us at my place, back before the Hale mansion renovation," Scott says. "We don't really remember much of it, but the next day my dad said to us, 'You and him went to the park at two AM to 'catch a pigeon' and actually came back with a pigeon'."

Isaac finally stops laughing, wiping the water from under his eyes. "It was a _girl_ pigeon."

Aiden snorts. "Not exactly my type, if you know what I mean."

Boyd wrinkles his nose up. "Why would you even think that?"

"Isaac started it," he protests.

"Hey!" Jackson suddenly says loudly. "Who the fuck played with my phone?"

Everyone frowns at him. "What do you mean?"

"Someone changed my text signature to 'Also, I think I might be gay'." He looks up from his phone and over to Stiles. "Also, I think I might be gay."

Stiles bursts into laughter. "I will never get tired of doing that to you."

"You're not gay," Matt says to him. "You wouldn't soberly touch a dick with a ten-foot pole."

Jackson smirks. "You wanna bet?"

Derek arches an eyebrow as he tries not to laugh. "Maybe we shouldn't be betting with someone who has as much money as he wants that he can lose."

"No way, we are totally doing this," Jackson says, sitting up from where he's lying down. "I will suck you down in front of all these guys for fifty bucks."

"Only fifty?" Aiden asks.

He shrugs. "If I can do it drunk then it shouldn't be so bad while sober."

"Wait, wait, wait," Matt says, holding a hand up. "Can you repeat the part of the stuff where you said all about the things, because I'm pretty sure I'm _Isaac's_ boyfriend and he wouldn't like it if—"

"If you didn't give one to me too," Isaac pipes up.

Matt blinks at him.

Isaac nods. "That's how it works. All or nothing."

Matt grins. "Deal."

Jackson snorts. "Fifty bucks for _each_."

"Why don't you just give one to Boyd?" Peter says. "He's the only one who never gets any mouth action while everyone is sober."

Boyd gives him a dull look. "Thanks for looking out for me, but my hand and I are very close."

Jackson shrugs. "Suit yourself; it's just less work for me."

Peter grins. "When work seems overwhelming, remember that you're going to die."

"I have died," he says back right away. "Twice."

"You're like the Harry Potter of Beacon Hills!" Stiles says brightly. "Don't let the Muggles get you down, dude."

Jackson rolls his eyes. "You've been smoking too much Floo powder again."

Stiles shrugs. "One does not simply smoke the suggested serving size."

"It's actually kind of creepy how nerdy you two are together," Danny says. "Jackson never revealed to _me_ his secret love for Harry Potter."

"It's hard for Stiles to keep secrets, though," Scott says. "He once told Finstock that he played with himself twice in one day."

Stiles blushes a little. "It was an accident. Sometimes I pretend to be normal, but it gets boring, so I go back to being me."

"It's okay," Peter says. "We like you being weird."

"That probably doesn't mean much from someone weirder than he is," Derek says.

Stiles grins. "Thanks anyway, though, Pete. Thou hast made a valiant effort."

Aiden sighs. "Is it too early to start drinking?"

Matt looks at his watch. "There's actually a party in a couple of hours at some guy's house down the street from my place. We should invite the girls and start drinking early."

Scott, Stiles, and Aiden have their phone out in under a second, dialing their girlfriends.

**OoOoOoO**

_JACKSON  
Friday Evening…_

Derek sits down beside Jackson, handing him a beer.

"Took you long enough," Jackson says, switching the two since Derek got the better one for himself.

Derek doesn't seem to mind the switch, just takes a swig. "I just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled 'DIBS'."

Jackson grins. "I'm so glad you're hot."

Derek rolls his eyes. "You wouldn't even kiss me drunk if I wasn't."

"I don't know, I've kissed Stiles."

"I don't know," Danny says as he and Ethan cram onto the couch with them. "He's got some pretty nice, broad shoulders if you ask me."

Jackson already told Danny that he and Derek are a "thing", so of course Danny knows too.

"And big hands," Ethan adds. "Think about what _those_ could do to you."

Jackson and Derek both blink before looking at each other. "No," they say at once.

Jackson laughs. "You are literally my favorite."

Derek hums, knocking some more beer back. "I know."

Lydia suddenly walks up to them, grinning at Danny and Ethan. She's got an unknown guy beside her, and he looks small and a little terrified. "I'd like the four of you to meet Damien," she says. Then, specifically to Danny, " He's gay and he's nervous."

Danny grins at her, then at Damien, and then at Ethan. "You know, I'm really starting to enjoy being everyone's first gay experience."

Ethan grins and kisses his cheek. "Go easy on him, tiger."

"Of course," Danny says, standing. He smiles warmly at Damien. "I'm Danny. It's nice to meet you."

Damien gives him a shy smile. "Hi."

They disappear after that, so Ethan gets up with Lydia to go prowl somewhere else, and it's just Jackson and Derek again.

"Maybe we could get Danny in on something," Jackson says, tipping his beer back.

"I really doubt I'm his type," Derek says.

Jackson snorts. "Dude, the thing about you and me is that we're _everybody's_ type. He'd do it in a heartbeat."

Derek wrinkles his nose up. "I just don't think I'm into three-ways."

Jackson shrugs. "Suit yourself. I'll get Danny and somebody else myself."

Derek looks a little annoyed at that. "Maybe I could…"

Jackson rolls his eyes. "I may be a dick, but I'm not going to make you have a three-way if you don't want to."

"But I don't want you to have one without me."

Jackson blinks at him a bit. "You're actually really romantic, aren't you?"

Derek arches an eyebrow. "You're questioning it?"

"I don't question myself. That's what I have you for."

Derek clinks their bottles together. "I'm honored."

Scott suddenly runs passed them with Stiles, laughing as Stiles is fluttering the blanket he's got wrapped around his neck. He stops, though, when Stiles starts to say "whoosh" as they go. "_I_ have the cape," he snarls, "_I_ make the whoosh noise."

Stiles pouts out his bottom lip. "But Bruuuuce…"

"No complaining, Robin," he says. "You're still just my sidekick."

Peter shows up as well, snatching the cape away altogether. "This is your moms; you're not allowed to use it at parties."

"Oooooh," Scott and Stiles say together. "Someone's gotta cruuuush," Stiles adds.

Peter rolls his eyes. "I've got someone else, actu—"

The two drunk best friends simultaneously burst into song: "Peter and Marissa, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love, then comes marriage—"

They break off from each other at that point, Stiles with the normal song, but he stops when he realizes that Scott is singing different words:

"Then comes an abrupt, tragic miscarriage!" he says frantically. "Then comes blame, then comes despair, two hearts damaged beyond repair… Peter leaves Marissa, and takes the tree, D-I-V-O-R-C-E." He promptly burst into tears, throwing his arms around Peter's stomach. "I'm so sorry, dad. I wanted a little brother, too."

Peter blinks at him awkwardly before looking over at Jackson and Derek. "Help?"

They both snort. "You wish," they say in unison.

"Come on, Batman," Stiles says, pulling Scott carefully away from Peter. "We'll get you a new cape."

Scott smiles at him. "You mean it, Robin? A _brand new_ blanket?"

Stiles nods. "Uh-huh. Just for you."

"Yippee!"

They run off.

"I'm just gonna go," Peter says, turning away.

Jackson and Derek raises their bottles to him. "Good riddance to you." They look at each other.

"We are so perfect together," Jackson says, witching their beers since there's only about a quarter left of each.

Derek nods. "I couldn't agree more."

**OoOoOoO**

_STILES  
Saturday Afternoon…_

Derek and Cora walk in talking, but they both stop when they see Stiles sitting on the couch, the empty carton of milk at his feet while he's eating his bowl of cereal on the couch. "Hey, man, you're outta milk."

"How the hell do you keep getting into my apartment?!" Derek yells.

"Oh shush, he's cute," Cora says, patting Derek's cheek and going over to sit beside Stiles on the couch. Stiles hugs her hello. She's been gone for what seems like ages, after all.

Derek huffs, moving to sit on his other side. "I disagree."

Peter walks in after that with the angriest face that Stiles has seen in a long time. "Stiles!" he snarls.

Stiles raises an eyebrow. "What did I do now?"

"Pizza delivery girls? _Really_?"

Stiles' entire body starts to blush, but he just laughs. "Oh my god, I forgot to delete my history!"

Derek gives him a raised eyebrow. "You were watching porn on Peter's bestiary computer?"

"No," Stiles quick lies.

Peter gives an aggravated sigh. "I got twelve different porn advertisements that I don't _need_. I am old and I _know_ where to go for my own. Just…stop watching porn on my work computer."

Well, that lie's out. "Stop working on my porn computer."

Derek snorts and Cora gives him a high five while Peter rolls his eyes and goes to sit at the kitchen table. "Is one-thirty too early for the bar?" he mutters.

Cora arches an eyebrow. "Do you want my opinion or society's?"

"I want your company."

"Speaking of which," Cora says as she's flipping channels. "We named-dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount."

Peter blinks at her a bit before ducking his head. "I have no regrets."

"You should," Derek says with a snort.

"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy, but the Bible says love your enemy."

"Are we talking about alcohol?"

The four of them all look up to see Scott walking in with Allison, who each give Cora bright smiles, and she returns them with a warm wave.

"Hey," Stiles says. "How was your hangover?"

Scott groans. "As soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back, and said I'm getting time and a half for even showing up. Did I _really_ look that bad this morning?"

Allison snorts. "You looked that bad."

He groans. "I don't even remember half of the stuff that happened. Wasn't the Statue of Liberty involved?"

Allison bursts into laughter. Stiles doesn't really remember what happened either, though, so he can't exactly laugh with her. "No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself 'The Statue of Puberty'."

"I remember that part," Derek says with a nod. "People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you."

Scott groans, going over to sit beside Peter. He looks miserable for a few seconds before he grins and whispers something into Peter's ear, and of course Stiles can't hear it since he's not a werewolf.

Peter's eyes widen as he grins. "I think that's a great idea." He looks over at Derek. "I think we should treat Cora to one of our famous party nights."

Allison snorts. "Are you kidding? She'll get herself killed."

"Sounds fun to me," Cora says.

Derek arches an eyebrow. "Scott, wait… You're trying to get a guy who was in a coma for six years and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?"

"Yeah," Scott says. "Wanna come?"

"I'll come," Stiles says, getting up. "We can make a stop at the station, too."

When they've crammed into Derek's Camaro that Peter has the extra keys for, Stiles pulls out his phone to call Jackson.

"Shit, hello?"

"Uh, hi. Are you still free tonight?"

"Oh shit, I kinda forgot and took acid."

Stiles snorts. "It's not even two, dude. Cora's in town and we're having a party."

"Oh, yeah, kay, I'll be there. Bye."

"Bye." He hangs up. "He better bring some to the party."

Scott and Peter nod heartily.

**OoOoOoO**

_DEREK  
Sunday Afternoon…_

"Quick, quick!" Stiles screams, sprinting down the stairs to get to the living room.

Derek frowns, but his eyes just widen when Jackson literally dives down the stairs, going right after Stiles.

"WE MADE IT!" Stiles yells. "YES!"

Derek looks into the room to see that ABC is having a Harry Potter marathon. When _aren't_ they? "You two are the nerdiest people I know," he says.

"We know," Jackson says as Stiles is humming along to the music of The Sorcerer's Stone.

"Wait, Stiles," Cora says, walking calmer down the stairs. "Don't you have Erica have a date tonight?"

"Bros before Cho's, sister," Jackson says, holding his hand up for a high-five that Stiles loudly returns.

"Does _she_ know that?" Derek asks.

"Duh," Stiles says. "She'd kill me if I stood her up. She's going to be here by the time the third movie starts."

"I'm a Dementor," Jackson says, leaning closer to Stiles. "Nomnomnom your soul."

Stiles laughs, pushing him away. "I came up with that and you know it."

"Yeah, well I'm the one that came up with the Sherlympics."

Cora frowns, sitting down beside them. "The Sherlympics?"

They nod. "From the BBC Sherlock," Stiles says. "Handcuffed Hurdles from episode six, Brollyball for Mycroft, Long-Distance Adoration for Molly, Synchronized Giggling between Sherlock and John…"

"Don't forget Recreational Scolding from Irene, Cross-Country Posing for Sherlock, Indoor Shooting also for Sherlock, and Sheet Tug-of-War for Mycroft."

"And Wrestling with Technology for John, the Three-Day Sulking Event for Sherlock, a Freestyle Robbery from Jim, and a Not Our Decathlon for Lestrade."

"And final, " Jackson says brightly, "Mental Gymnastics for Sherlock, Modern Pent-Up Sexual Tension for Sherlock and John, Rooftop Diving from Sherlock, and a Sobbing Marathon from John."

"You two spend way too much time together," Cora says, rolling her eyes.

"Maybe," Jackson says, "but Stiles came up with the Harry Potter version of Katy Perry's 'Last Friday Night' all on his own."

Derek arches an eyebrow at that, moving into the room to sit on the couch beside his "ssecret" boyfriend. "How's _that_ go?"

Stiles clears his throat before bursting into song:

_"Yeah we dueled on tabletops  
And we broke into Gringotts  
Think they kissed by I forgot…  
Neville rocked out with a sword  
And he cut the final cord  
So Harry blew up the Dark Lord  
LAST FRIDAY NIGHT!"  
_  
Cora laughs and throws her arms around his neck. "I missed you."

"Nice of you," Stiles says with a grin, "but are you going to watch all eight movies with us? Because you're usually on the internet about this time of day."

She gives an aggravated sigh. "The Wi-Fi isn't working."

"Ooh, we've got Things to Do When the Internet is Down too," Jackson says. "Cry in the mirror, for one."

"Yell at the internet provider," Stiles adds.

"Nervously pace back and forth."

"Repeatedly click refresh."

"Complain to your local congressman."

"Paint your feelings."

"Stagger outside, becomes confused and disoriented by 'real world'."

"Ask god, 'why me?'"

"Stay calm by assuming the fetal position and humming quietly."

"And finally," Stiles says brightly, "fill that nagging put of despair in your stomach with donuts."

Cora blinks a bit. "Donuts sound really good right now."

Derek realizes that she's right. "If you get a whole box and I'll let you drive the Camaro."

She jumps right up. "Deal."

Erica comes in while she's gone, _long_ before the first movie is even halfway over instead of way at the third. She's also covered in blood that smells _terrible_. "Apparently Mr. Clean Magic Erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling."

"Aw," Stiles says, holding his arms out to her. "Come on, come 'ere."

She stumbles over to him and drops into his lap. Derek has long cared about blood on his couch. "My mom adopted a cat yesterday," she says. "I woke up with its remains all over my room."

Stiles rubs her back soothingly. "It's okay," he says. "We'll get her to get a puppy next time."

She nods, burying her face in his neck and promptly falling asleep.

"You're so good to her," Cora says, coming back in.

Stiles smiles warmly, holding his hand out for a donut. "I know, but she deserves it, so." He gets handed a maple bar. "Thanks."

"What do you do going around the world then, 'Ora?" Jackson asks. "I haven't really gotten to ask since you've been here."

Cora nods, sitting down on the arm of the couch now that Erica has taken her spot. "I smoke a lot of weed," she says, "but besides that I take a lot of pictures and do impressive amounts of hitchhiking."

Jackson arches an eyebrow. "Weed? Is that why you own a pair of binoculars?"

She waves her donut at him. "There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars."

Derek snorts. "Didn't Peter teach you that?"

She nods.

Matt suddenly stumbles in, not drunk but not exactly sober. "If you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing machine," he says, "would you send an 'I'm sorry' text or say nothing at all?" He stands up straighter and pushes a hand through his hair. "All hypothetical of course."

Cora groans. "That's disgusting."

"Just told tell him, okay?" Matt hisses.

"Wait," Derek says. "Which friend?"

"Isaac and I stayed over at Scott's last night."

Stiles laughs quietly, careful not to wake Erica. "I'd just keep it to yourself, dude."

Matt nods. "Okay, I'll—ooh, Harry Potter!" He flits forward, dropping to the floor.

Derek rolls his eyes. "Not you, too. We've got enough nerds for friends."

Matt frowns at him. "What are you Tolkien about? I'm not a nerd."

Jackson and Stiles both burst into a fit of quiet giggles, Stiles trying really hard not to shake Erica and failing. Derek hates his friends.

"Oh my god, I love you guys," Cora says.

Right.

_**-The End-**_

"_The bonds of friendship dwindle with age…  
But a little blackmail lasts forever."  
_―The Court of the Air by Stephen Hunt—

* * *

References: There are **39** of them from this chapter:

**1.** "I don't get nearly enough credit for managing not to be a violent psychopath." Another Sherlock BBC ecard by Alicexz.

**2.** "Insanity doesn't run in my family. It _strolls_ through, taking time to get to know each of us personally." I couldn't find a legit source.

**3.** "Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest." TWtw. Said by Jackson to Scott.

**4.** "Well, I can cross being naked in a minivan off my list." TWtw. Said by Jackson.

**5.** "Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a Ring Pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that." TWtw. Said by Stiles to Scott.

**6.** "I don't remember the day I lost my mind." I couldn't find a legit source.

**7.** "Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?"  
"Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly." TWtw. Said by Stiles to Scott.

**8.** "You showed up at my apartment after three AM, wasted with a plate of cookies, and tried to hook up."  
"Sorry about that. Except for the cookies." TWtw. Said by Derek and Stiles.

**9.** "You and him went to the park at two AM to 'catch a pigeon' and actually came back with a pigeon." Said by the sheriff to Scott and Isaac.

**10.** "Someone changed my text signature to 'Also, I think I might be gay'. Also, I think I might be gay." TWtw. Said by Stiles.

**11.** "Can you repeat the part of the stuff where you said all about the things." The Simpson's.

**12.** "When work seems overwhelming, remember that you're going to die." Another Sherlock BBC ecard by Alicexz.

**13.** "Don't let the Muggles get you down." This is literally everywhere.

**14.** "You've been smoking too much Floo powder." Found it on a tumblr meme.

**15.** "One does not simply…" The Lord of the Rings!

**16.** "Sometimes I pretend to be normal, but it gets boring, so I go back to being me." I couldn't find a legit source.

**17.** "Thou hast made a valiant effort." Tumblr. It's a Thor version of the "you tried" star :P

**18.** "I just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled 'DIBS'." TWtw. Said by Derek.

**19.** "I'm really starting to enjoy being everyone's first gay experience." TWtw. Said by Danny.

**20.** "I don't question myself. That's what I have you for."  
"I'm honored." Atw. Said by Fury and Phil.

**21.** "_I_ have the cape, _I_ make the whoosh noise." I couldn't find a legit source.

**22.** "[Johnny] and Marissa, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes an abrupt, tragic miscarriage! Then comes blame, then comes despair, two hearts damaged beyond repair… [Johnny] leaves Marissa, and takes the tree, D-I-V-O-R-C-E."

**23.** "Hey, man, you're outta milk."  
"How the hell do you keep getting into my apartment?!" Atw. Said by Loki and Tony.

**24.** "Stop watching porn on my work computer."  
"Stop working on my porn computer." Atw. Said by Bruce and Tony.

**25.** "Is one-thirty too early for the bar?"  
"Do you want my opinion or society's?"  
"I want your company." Atw. Said by Tony and Rhodey.

**26.** "We named-dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount." Atw. Said by Steve to Tony.

**27.** "Alcohol may be man's worst enemy, but the Bible says love your enemy." Frank Sinatra.

**28.** "As soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back, and said I'm getting time and a half for even showing up. Did I _really_ look that bad this morning?" TWtw. Said by Scott about Deaton.

**29.** "You made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself 'The Statue of Puberty'. People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you." Atw. Said by Fury to Steve.

**30.** "You're trying to get a guy who was in a coma for [three weeks] and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?"  
"Yeah, you wanna come?" TWtw. Said by Derek and Stiles about Peter.

**31.** "Bros before Cho's." Tumblr.

**32.** "I'm a Dementor. Nomnomnom your soul." Tumblr.

**33.** "The Sherlympics: Handcuffed hurdles, Brollyball, Long-Distance Adoration, Synchronized Giggling, Recreational Scolding, Cross-Country Posing, Indoor Shooting, Sheet Tug-of-War, Wrestling with Technology, Three-Day Sulking Event, Freestyle Robbery, Not Our Decathlon, Mental Gymnastics, Modern Pent-Up Sexual Tension, Rooftop Diving from Sherlock, and a Sobbing Marathon." Tumblr.

**34.** "Yeah we dueled on tabletops  
And we broke into Gringotts  
Think they kissed by I forgot…  
Neville rocked out with a sword  
And he cut the final cord  
So Harry blew up the Dark Lord  
LAST FRIDAY NIGHT!"

**35.** "Things to Do When the Internet is Down:  
Yell at the internet provider.  
Nervously pace back and forth.  
Repeatedly click refresh.  
Complain to your local congressman.  
Paint your feelings.  
Stagger outside, becomes confused and disoriented by 'real world'.  
Ask god, 'why me?  
Stay calm by assuming the fetal position and humming quietly.  
Fill that nagging put of despair in your stomach with donuts."

**36.** "Apparently Mr. Clean Magic Erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling." Atw. Said by Natasha.

**37.** "There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars." TWtw. Said by Lydia.

**38.** "If you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing machine, would you send an 'I'm sorry' text or say nothing at all? All hypothetical of course." Atw. Said by Tony.

**39.** "What are you Tolkien about?" Tumblr.


End file.
